The speed of life

Well, a lot has happened in the past few months. We're expecting our second little one in the Spring, and I'm now elbows deep in mothering a toddler and helping with other mothering support groups. I'm a postpartum doula. I'm a volunteer babywearing educator. I'm about to be leading a support group for moms recovering from or otherwise dealing with cesarean birth. There's a lot on my plate. It's Christmas time, and I don't have a tree up yet.

Still, all these things are very good things. I'm just having to recruit my stamina and endurance in order to not shortchange anyone (and I admit I'm probably shortchanging someone anyway). I'm finding myself constantly frustrated because I feel like I can either clean my house, take care of my son, or work on my projects, and then I look back at the end of the day and realize just how much time I wasted on inconsequential things. It's not easy, but it is very exciting.

Anyway, that's my update. I'll try to get back to writing more here.

Tis the Season!

As my dad recently commented to me, taking care of our house really is something like a full time job. This is especially true at Christmas when remodeling and decorating and baking and general housekeeping rise into a virtual crescendo of housewifery that drowns out the call of nearly anything unrelated to getting ready for Christmas. But now Christmas is here. The presents have all been wrapped and opened, and we've got a few days of quiet celebration before the rest of the family comes over for Christmas part 2 on Saturday.

So wherever you are and whatever kind of celebration you enjoy, I hope that everyone is having a lovely Christmas. And since I know there's a lot of pressure to get Christmas "just right" I want to remind you of something I've been telling myself for the past six or seven Christmases. In the end, it's all just practice for the celebration we're going to enjoy in Heaven. So we practice getting dressed up and being generous with our time and our resources and loving each other and having a grand time in the name of Christ. Yesterday kicked off the Christmas season, so starting tomorrow we'll have ten more days to practice. After Christmas is over we'll have another one coming around the same time next year in which we get to practice preparing all through Advent and then practice partying another 12 days. Every time we practice we'll get better and be better prepared for the day God calls us to come celebrate with Him up in Heaven.

Well that's over!

Well one day perhaps I'll be a proper blogger and not go completely underground at every single opportunity, but then again maybe one day I'll have my thyroid in order and won't be moving cross country at Christmas :) We are moved though - if only in the sense of having all our stuff on the same side of the country as ourselves. My mother-in-law's spare bedroom is full to bursting with books, clothes, Christmas presents, and the assembled detritus of two people living in approximately 100 square feet (which is to say that we're trying to not have our things spread out over too much of their house). Speaking of which, we are in the offer/counter-offer process of buying a house. It's a little more of a fixer-upper than we originally planned on buying, but it's also in a great location and offers the chance for us to really design and create a space suitable for having the whole family over and (Lord willing) raise a few kids. Right now I'm knee deep in kitchen design - my pinterest boards are full of back splashes, counter tops, and various design elements. My father-in-law is proving immensely helpful in being able to talk us through parts of this process. As a homebuilder/remodeler he has the expertise (and the contacts) to help us make smart decisions. And that's been a lot of our Christmas right there. We looked at houses, visited family (including a flying trip up to Indiana), went to a wedding, and tried with varying levels of success to keep it all together. In retrospect Allen and I didn't pull together as well as we should have, but then again after 5 years of marriage we're finding our relationship growing out of old patterns set during my pre-counseling days and finding our balance as somewhat more mature and emotionally stable people isn't as easy as you'd think given the above description. And that was Christmas basically - not exactly bad but not really an experience I'd like to repeat. Our second day driving cross country was actually one of the least stressful days of our entire Christmas. Drive, nap, read, listen to Christmas music, repeat. One set task to accomplish and everything needful for said task right in front of you. Not at all like the pandora's grocery list I brought out after we arrived in Birmingham!

on wonder and pain

Sometimes when we're out camping I'll tell Allen it feels like Christmas, but when I've tried to explain why it doesn't really translate. Sometimes I'll say it feels like Thanksgiving, but that doesn't translate well either. There's no lights or presents and the only turkey comes sliced from Trader Joes. And yet there are days that will stay with me. Often when I want to think I write, and in trying to form the first awkward sentences of this post I think I've figured out what I mean when I say that a day feels like Christmas. On the surface of it Christmas connotates wonder and joy and fulfilled anticipation. On the trail this can translate into a beautiful campsite and a warm supper or a double rainbow after an unexpected storm. Every trail or park promises a bit of magic and wonder, and sometimes they deliver in full measure pressed down and running over. But when I say a day feels like Christmas I don't just mean the Christmas of stuffed turkey and bright lights - a day that delivers an satisfactory emotional experience. Every Nativity points to the Cross - joy leads to suffering which ultimately leads to abiding joy which can, though promised and assured, seem like a distant dream of peace as we slog through our present troubles. In Christmas we see wonder, redemption, and joy embrace a suffering world. Christ came because He felt the miserable weight of our sin. Pain, wonder, mutability, mortality, and eternity mingle together. So when I say a day feels like Christmas I could mean that I'm baking an apple pie on a crisp day and am savoring the smell of spices. It could mean that something unexpectedly lovely has happened. Many times though, it will mean that even as my senses dance with the day, the view, and whatever treat up I'm cooking over my camp stove I'm struck by a deep yearning, almost a nostalgia, over how quickly these moments pass and how powerless I am to keep them with me. The very things that make them rare and beautiful make them hurt. In a moment I will hike down the trail, drive away, finish my tea, or unplug the lights, but for one more moment I marvel. It could be that I will never again see or experience anything quite like this. At times like these I find my heart yearning for eternity, and oddly enough the very mountains that break my heart with beauty speak again and speak comfort. The Bible says that we can have no idea of what eternity will be like - that it isn't within heart or mind of man to conceive what glories will exist in the New Jerusalem. The most beautiful mountain meadow is a dim reflection of the beauty we'll find in heaven. It reminds me that I can long in hope and marvel in hope because the One who boggles my mind with dragonflies and mountain passes is preparing things which are as far above my present conception as the notion of surfing would be to an infant. For now, though, I will continue to feed my soul on these small tokens of eternity, and when my heart breaks with hearing Creation's Advent cry for our Savior to deliver it I will remember the first advent and try to be content knowing we are that much closer to our final deliverance.