Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Obey your husband)

I actually think this going to be a short review. There's just two chapters after this one, and then I'll post a few closing remarks. Getting this review up has been like watching glaciers head down a mountain, but eventually they reach the sea :)

Ok, so maybe I'm getting tired, but this chapter seems fairly straight forward in a "well this is just how Debi Pearl is" sort of way. I did a bit of reading in Strong's Concordance on the word she translates "obey" and it appears that the King Jame's Version perhaps does a bit of disservice at this point. Basically, it's the same word used in Eph 5:21 which goes, "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." In this case a common sense understanding of "submit" rejects the idea that Paul is telling Christians to obey each other. Instead it makes sense to understand "submit" as deferring to one another and to subject one's own wishes to the needs and desires of others. The word pretty clearly does mean "obey" in other contexts such as in Romans 8:7, but it always seems to have the larger meaning of being subject to authority. Strong's Concordance says:

This word was a Greek military term meaning "to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader". In non-military use, it was "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden".

I'm not an egalitarian when it comes to life and especially not in marriage. I do believe the husband is clearly and firmly the wife's head or authority. I also think that for those few women out there who believe it's their duty to obey their husband no matter what he says (there are some out there, and their list of exceptions is frighteningly small) it would be helpful to understand that this word doesn't mean absolute, unquestioning obedience and that it's most basic meaning centers more around being in line with your hierarchy and deferring to or cooperating with one's husband/government official/fellow congregant/etc.  Mrs. Pearl does have her exceptions (next chapter), but since I did the background checking I thought I'd go ahead and put it out here for y'all to see.

That aside, the vast majority of this chapter is actually pretty good in a pragmatic sort of way. Her advice generally amounts to "Make the best of it, and don't antagonize the man." Many of the women she writes about are in bad marriages, and she rightly points out that the Bible (and human nature) tells us that we'll never win a husband to Christ by nagging, pushing, scolding, or complaining. Men don't like being told they're wrong or being nagged or scolded, and being met at the door with a fresh litany of complaints every evening is a great encouragement for them to leave or shout at you or in general NOT become the spangly bright Nice Christian Man you wish he was. The Bible tells us that cheerful submission and a generally quiet demeanor are much better for winning one's husband. Any man on the street can tell you this as well. I disagree slightly that acting in this way will increase our husband's esteem among his peers. I suppose it depends on who his peers are though. Allen once heard a man he knew publicly diss his wife about something minor, and our evening with them was essentially over after that. He did not care to be in the presence of a man who acted that way. On the other hand, if a guy only hangs around a bunch of slubs his friends might think he's hot stuff for being able to keep such an awesome wife around. It's something of a mixed bag and fairly neutral from my perspective. A man might be won by being perceived as better than he is and trying to live up to it - wanting to be the man his wife thinks he is - or by seeing reflected back from his peers a conviction that he should be repenting and stepping up to become a decent husband. I could go either way I think.

On the other side of this, Mrs. Pearl counsels women not to step out in some sort of superior obedience apart from their husbands in areas like birth control. There was a woman who married a husband knowing that he only wanted two children. Then she "heard from God" and decided to have more children. By her sixth her husband had warned her that if she got pregnant again he was leaving. She did, and he did. Now obviously the husband should and could have done something about this, but I can imagine how he would feel as a husband watching his wife walk her own way in defiance of his wishes. He gives her four more chances to listen to him. By the fifth "extra" pregnancy he's decided that she doesn't give a darn for him. All he's good for is a pay check to feed all the babies she's popping out. So he leaves. And she's left high and dry. As Mrs. Pearl points out, you follow your own way at your own peril. Obviously I feel this is an area that requires judgement and not just knee jerk reactions, and Mrs. Pearl gets into that (with mixed results) in the next chapter.

I had two major "Oh no she didn't!" moments this whole chapter. The first came when she said that she has no authority higher than her husband - specifically referring to pastors. I need to do some more research on this, but in our church we take vows that we will submit ourselves to the authority of the church. That means I'm not just subject to Allen but also to our pastor. Obviously there are spheres of authority. I wouldn't necessarily buy a car because he told me to (although I did once buy a pair of boots he told me looked awesome when I ran into him at the shoe store in the mall), but I'm obligated to listen to him if he tells me I'm treating Allen wrong or are sinning in some fashion or damaging my witness. He's my authority in spiritual matters, and I'm daily grateful our church has someone like him. Although Mrs. Pearl's position isn't unknown in the Christian world I do think it's highly damaging. When a husband goes wrong there's no one with authority to rebuke him. Unless he's committing a crime there's no one "higher up the ladder" to whom she can appeal for redress of her grievances. That leaves wives utterly stranded in their marriages with little recourse but to take advice from people like Mrs. Pearl.

The second bit that sort of raised by eyebrows concerned "making an appeal." My first thought was "I have to get permission for my husband to take me seriously? What kind of marriage is this?" Then Allen pointed out that since Mrs. Pearl seems like the dramatic type it's entirely likely that she and her husband needed a way to talk that cut through her over the top personality and brought them down to facts. There are actually times when Allen and I need to signal "Hey, listen to me. This is really important." because, while not being a drama queen, I do like to chit chat about whatever I'm thinking about at the moment. Sometimes it's interesting stuff that Allen and I get into together, and sometimes I'm babbling about Christmas lights and throw pillows and whether or not we should plant a new pine tree in the backyard. It's not always obvious what stuff really matters to me and what is just running through my mouth. So I guess I'll pass on that point. I still think how she views the appeal making process (calling it a "liberty" - sounds like something you give your kids when they finish their homework on time), but overall it probably says more about her personality than how women in general can and should relate to their husbands.

Ok, almost done! I have to admit, I'm ready to get some other content up so that "Created to be His Help Meet" isn't the first thing I see when I open my blog.

more book reviews?

Allen has proposed another book review series after I finish with Created to Be His Help Meet. He already has a book in mind, but I was wondering if any of y'all had book you'd like to see covered? If you do just leave me a comment, and I'll see about it :)

Speaking of reviews, I'll try to get another Debi Pearl installment up in the next 48hrs.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 1 (Wisdom)

As I've moved into the section on wisdom I've found that there are some great one-liners and some real head-scratchers bumping elbows. Let's start with this one:

God made you to fulfill this eternal vision. Until you embrace that divine plan for your life, your life will never make sense. You will always be struggling. When you can finally let go and believe God, life will become so simple that you won't have to wonder what you should do. You will know (49 emphasis mine).

Could this be part of the problem with CTBHHM? Last time I checked life doesn't become a one-lane highway once you become a Christian and surrender to God. As my pastor once told us - the fences that God put up (ie the Law) are really fences, and we should really stay inside of them. Once you're inside the fence though? You can go roaming around all you want. Sometimes you'll find yourself tripping over your own feet, but just because you scraped your knees doesn't mean you sinned. That's one reason it's called wisdom.

Moving on a few inches we find two very different statements sharing a paragraph. It starts by saying that regardless of the man (good, bad, or indifferent) you can have a good marriage by being a certain kind of wife. Glad to see that Mrs. Pearl has never met a thoroughly bad man who despised his wife and took all her patience and sweetness as fuel to his malignancy, or (to be less dramatic) a thoroughly worldly one who good-humoredly decided he like to trade in for an earlier model. But then she turns around with the completely true statement that we (wives) serve Christ by serving our husbands whether or not they've earned it (50). Rather odd bedfellows those two. With regards to that first statement I'm suddenly reminded of that passage in the Bible where we're told that if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave we should let them. I wonder how that would jive with Mrs. Pearl's "anything but divorce" stance?

On the opening page of chapter six I noticed that during my first reading I'd written (in good lolcat form) "I can has nuance?" Yeah, not exactly something that Mrs. Pearl does very well I don't think. Consider this statement: ""We live under a law of sowing and reaping that is a certain and unrelenting as disease and death (57)." Now recall Ecclesiastes' famous observation, "The race is not to the swift." Although God says that sowing and reaping are intrinsically linked, in Ecclesiastes God also reminds us not to be simplistic about applying this principle. Diligence is from the Lord, but it's not magic lever whereby we force Heaven to open up and bless us. Sometimes good, careful, intelligent people get their life savings wiped out or labor for years in obscure jobs. I reckon that's why it's so important for us to delight in the Lord. He's really the only thing guaranteed never to fail.

The rest of chapter six largely concerns an interesting (albeit over the top) example of a woman who was consumed with bitterness and her own willful spirituality and who eventually went stark staring mad. Considering that my mom isn't the sanest woman around (and can also be highly critical) I have to wonder whether there's a fair bit of truth to her story, but moving on...

Chapter seven is pretty much an extended (dare I say diatribe) on the dangers of divorce and absolutely miserable life a woman can expect if she dares to stand up for just about anything. To be fair I'm getting the impression at this point that Mrs. Pearl is talking about a woman who could make a husband long for his loving mistress simply by the manner in which she asks him to hang up his jacket. On this reread I was rather more impressed by her role in the "why on earth would you pay so much for meat" episode than I was before. While her husband appears thoroughly autocratic and unpleasant, Mrs. Pearl really does come off as a smug, superior housewife. I just wish the implication wasn't that it's wrong to say anything. If there's a bad way to say "Did you notice there's a cheaper option?" I'm pretty sure there's also a good way. Perhaps I'm speaking for my marriage alone, but if I respectfully ask if Allen overlooked something there's a fairly good chance that he'll thank me for pointing it out and say that he hadn't. It's just not that big a deal. Lesson from this chapter? A critical spirit can sink your marriage faster than the Lusitania. As Mrs. Pearl put it, "He practices his faults, and you practice your bitterness. You are both practicing divorce." I'd have to agree.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 1 (Thankfulness)

I'm wondering if this is going to be a pattern throughout this book - every other chapter being somewhat worth reading if it wasn't sandwiched in between so many monumental bloopers. At any rate the third chapter goes on to laud thankfulness as another beautifying and endearing trait for wives to cultivate. Mrs. Pearl wisely points out that thankfulness is largely habit and that even the most grumbling natures can practice thankfulness before God and their husbands. Since most men are driven to provide it doesn't take a savant to realize how important this can be to family peace.

The fourth chapter develops this theme by pointing out how thankfulness can end up guarding our own hearts against much frustration. I admit I don't really see the joke of having to clean up a bag of trash because your husband was showing off, but then again I probably wouldn't hide in the laundry room in order to scare him. More power to them I reckon. Her main point is that thankfulness produces a joy that makes husbands and wives joyful playmates more quick to laugh than fret. Amen. Where I lose Mrs. Pearl is when she that she has this sort of marriage because of choices that she made and that by making similar choices you can "control" what kind of marriage you have (40,42). Sounds a whole lot like backseat driving when you consider that husbands are heads of their wives.

As I read through chapter 4 I noticed some more odd theology about women (remember me questioning her ideas on single women?). There's a tiny paragraph that I think is worth quoting in full:

Because I have known such love and closeness with a man, subsequently my understanding of God and my appreciation for him are so much deeper. A relationship based on law, rules, willful humility, and formality is death. I have learned to approach God just as I approach my husband with love, joy, and delight (44).

Again, I know this is written to wives, but where does this leave all the other women? It's a no brainer that wives would experience God differently than single women, but then again farmers, navy captains, and architects also experience God differently from teachers, painters, and biologists. That's the nature of believing in a God who deals in metaphor and narrative. Certain parts of our own stories will align more or less closely with parts of God's revealed story. Speaking of which, her interpretation of Luke 7:38 baffles me. I was pretty sure that standard interpretation is that this woman was washing and anointing Christ both for his burial and in judgment of the Pharisees who condemned Him. Instead Mrs. Pearl turns it into a story of guilt over her daring to soil the feet of Jesus with her tears. One question for Mrs. Pearl - if that's the case then why does Jesus say she hadn't ceased kissing His feet? Something doesn't seem to add up here.

The next few chapters seem to be on wisdom. I'll get to them later today or tomorrow. Right now this housewife has to packing to do. We've got an ETA of 6 weeks, and things are getting busy.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 1

Since CTBHHM is divided into so many chapters and parts I can't guarantee that I'll divide my reviews up quite as logically - particularly since this promises to become more a page by page commentary than a connected set of chapter summaries and reviews.

Part 1, chapter 1 starts off rather well. She opens by reminding the reader just how much work a good marriage takes. This isn't something that just happens, and even Mr. Darcy probably has a habit of humming under his breath while paying bills that makes dearest Lizzie contemplate the decorative swords above the mantel. Yet, despite our husband's shortcomings we are called to be cheerful, willing helpers. It's not that we wouldn't perhaps do a better job ourselves, Mrs. Pearl rightly points out that such contemplations are entirely beside the point, but that it's not our job. Women are to help meets eagerly searching for new ways to bless their husbands. Amen and pass the conviction. Much as I love Allen and I can't say that I'm nearly as eager for his welfare as I should be. If Debi kept to this line of thought I'd be writing an entirely different sort of review, but even here we find troubling hints of the arguments to come. For instance, in talking about the roles of wives Debi entirely skips over any idea that women may have a separate existence. I realize this is a book written to wives and not single women, but occasionally I wonder how she feels about lovely single ladies (we all know them) who, by the grace of God, remain single (pg 23)? Consider this excerpt -"You are, by nature, equipped in every way to be your man's helper. You are inferior to none as long as you function within your created nature...You were created to make him complete, not to seek personal fulfillment parallel to him (21)." Since I'm not even sure what she means by parallel personal fulfillment I'll leave that alone, but I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this. It raises a few questions. Are single women inferior? Is it possible for women (single or widowed) to have purpose aside from men? We can charitably assume that Mrs. Pearl doesn't mean these things, but her prose makes it unclear. One could possible surmise that in her fervent defense of submissive, helper-wives Mrs. Pearl has lost sight of women's larger importance in the church. And here, "in the church," might be the crux of my issues with Mrs. Pearl - something that will become more clear when we discuss the next chapter.

Chapter two starts off with the delightful premise that more women (particularly wives) should take care to wear some of that "joy of the Lord" on the outside where it can beautify their features and enchant their husbands. This isn't something I read so often in the marriage advice genre, and it's something my husband agrees should be said more often. Cheerful, playful wives are way more attractive than doleful, long-faced ones, and the wise wife will keep this in mind while applying her lip gloss. Unfortunately the rest of this chapter slides downhill rapidly from here. After laying out her laudable "cheerful wife" principle, Mrs. Pearl goes on to apply it to a situation concerning a wife whose husband is having an emotional affair. This section has been reviewed elsewhere on the internet, so I'll try to stick with what particularly struck Allen and me. First off this big blooper: "God has provided for your husband's complete sanctification and deliverance from temptation through you, his wife (29)." Allen's remark on this statement was that it's enough to condemn the book out of hand. While God might use temporal agents (a neighbor or a parent) to share His grace, sanctification and deliverance come solely through Jesus Christ and His righteousness. A wife might be an agent of grace, but these agents of grace cannot be considered meritorious in any effective way. The credit is completely God's. Unfortunately it doesn't stop there. Debi Pearl goes on the paint a dreary picture of the indignant, condemning wife standing on her rights and vows and eventually driving her lonely husband back into his secretary's arms while she (the wife) is forced into poverty with her poor government schooled kids, having no prospects of love before except a soul crushing repetition of the same round with a man of another name. First, one can't read through this section without realizing that Debi is either projecting a whole lot or holding much of the previously quoted letter back. (For instance, nowhere does the wife's letter indicate that she's been scolding or that her husband has been lonely/excluded from sex.) Secondly, one can also clearly see just why this book is so poisonous. Mrs. Pearl says "You cannot be pitiful enough to force him to love you (30)." This is very true. If this woman wants to win her husband's love she's not going to do with mopes and accusations. However, Mrs. Pearl completely glosses over any sort of repentance of reconciliation. She goes so far as to say that waiting for repentance may lose this woman her husband completely - with all its dire implications of loneliness and poverty.

This is where we find most the poison. If Mrs. Pearl was saying "Once your husband has repented and shown a desire to be reconciled you have to give him something to he can desire. You're probably feeling very bruised right now, but even if you don't trust him (and I'm not saying you should right away) you need to be a person he can fall madly in love with again. This is going to be a whole lot harder if you wear your heart on your sleeve and look at him reproachfully over your morning eggs." Nope, Mrs. Pearl jumps right over repentance and tells the wife to dive into direct competition with the office hussy to win her husband back. There are so many problems with this. First off, Mrs. Pearl never suggests the wife get a pastor/higher authority involved. Second, the husband receives absolutely no accountability or an attempt to bring him back into right relationship with God. Third, the wife is demeaning herself (and her wedding vows) by acting as if a legitimate competition over his affections existed. Fourth, Mrs. Pearl is assuming that this husband won't take his wife's acquiescence as license to do whatever he wants since his wife is too desperate or dumb to care/notice. Fifth, the implication is husbands get smiles, sex, and blushes because they may go off the rails if they don't, but women get these things because they've worked hard to earn every single one. If this isn't the oddest conception of marriage I don't know what is. I'm pretty darn sure that I didn't earn all my husband's affection, and yet I'm also pretty sure that Allen has earned quite a bit of mine through his patient, tender care.

Hopefully you can see the problems. Taken alone many of Debi Pearl's statements have merit. Men aren't won by critical wives. They do love cheerful appreciation. Standing for your marriage vows might end with your husband packing his bags. The problem is when you put all together and end up with wives acting like their husband's are always in the sexual marketplace - not because a wise wife will see her husband's sexual needs met, but because he literally might be searching the sexual marketplace at any time. At that point what difference is there between Christian wives and Park Avenue trophy wives? Less alimony I suppose. I believe the whole point of this is found in this statement: "Recognize that you are at war for the preservation of God's most noble institution on earth -the family (30)." Unfortunately this simply isn't true. God's family (The Church) trumps all earthly families. It is to the Church that we owe our most basic loyalties. Don't believe me? Consider how Christ said that He came to bring not peace but a sword and went on to list how basic family structures would be torn apart as some answered and some resisted the call of Christ. Divorce is a bad thing, but breaking up a family isn't the worst thing. Even excommunication (roughly equivalent to divorce from the church) is supposed to be part of a larger call back to repentance and fellowship. Unfortunately Mrs. Pearl doesn't see this, and without the church there really is very little she can recommend a wife do besides order a new garter belt and try again.

Created to be His Help Meet : a probably biased review

Once more into the breach as they say. I'm really bad at finishing book reviews, but this is one that's been simmering for over a year. I first read CTBHHM when my future sister-in-law mentioned that she was reading it. To be very honest, when I heard that I felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't read the book yet, but I'd heard enough to make me doubt whether this book could help anyone - particularly someone whose own experience with marriage (second-hand) hadn't been the best. So in the hopes of having a long chat over coffee I ordered myself a copy and read it. That chat never really happened. My sister-in-law, while being a lovely person, is a true introvert, and with living cross country I haven't had the time and opportunity to invest in our relationship. So if you, my quiet blog reader, wouldn't mind, I'd like to have that chat now. I warn you ahead of time that I'm not disposed to like this book and talk dispassionately about all the good things you can take away from it. I'm more concerned with the pitfalls and dangerous advice that permeate this book. That's not to say that there aren't good points in this book. There are - I just feel the bad far outweighs the good.


I have to say this book starts out with a huge howler. Debi Pearl had been meaning to catch the preacher for something like seven years - this is the fellow so high strung sexually that he wouldn't even shake hands with the little old ladies in his congregation*. Naturally, Debi drops a hint along the lines of "Someday I'd like to give you a little boy (p14)." Admittedly this after said pastor made the roaring indiscretion of holding her hand during a prayer meeting, so perhaps there were extenuating circumstances. Anyway, they get married. And, from this book's perspective, that's when the real fun started. Having admitted just a few pages later that she once threw rocks at her husband I wonder if perhaps that's not a key to understanding this book. If you're the kind of woman who's so very highly strung (think Kate from The Taming of the Shrew) that you make everyone around dance attendance and then fault them on their footwork you might very well need a book like this to shake you till your teeth start dancing in time to the tune you've been playing for everyone else. Most of us though, don't throw rocks at our husbands. (In fact I'm rather sure that too few of us are throwing pillows and that the lack of busted pillows needing to be replaced is a factor in our sluggish economy.) Anyway, all this to say that I will at the front concede that there are probably women of monumental tempers who need lecture quite this stern to get them down to normal levels. For the rest of us though, I find Mrs. Pearl's advice highly problematic, but we'll get into that when we move on to Part 1 of CTBHHM.




*You know there are some forms sexual discretion that are nearly as creepy as open leering. Refusing a simple handclasp with a woman old enough to be your grandmother because of heaven's knows what temptations is really high on that list.