Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Obey your husband)

I actually think this going to be a short review. There's just two chapters after this one, and then I'll post a few closing remarks. Getting this review up has been like watching glaciers head down a mountain, but eventually they reach the sea :)

Ok, so maybe I'm getting tired, but this chapter seems fairly straight forward in a "well this is just how Debi Pearl is" sort of way. I did a bit of reading in Strong's Concordance on the word she translates "obey" and it appears that the King Jame's Version perhaps does a bit of disservice at this point. Basically, it's the same word used in Eph 5:21 which goes, "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." In this case a common sense understanding of "submit" rejects the idea that Paul is telling Christians to obey each other. Instead it makes sense to understand "submit" as deferring to one another and to subject one's own wishes to the needs and desires of others. The word pretty clearly does mean "obey" in other contexts such as in Romans 8:7, but it always seems to have the larger meaning of being subject to authority. Strong's Concordance says:

This word was a Greek military term meaning "to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader". In non-military use, it was "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden".

I'm not an egalitarian when it comes to life and especially not in marriage. I do believe the husband is clearly and firmly the wife's head or authority. I also think that for those few women out there who believe it's their duty to obey their husband no matter what he says (there are some out there, and their list of exceptions is frighteningly small) it would be helpful to understand that this word doesn't mean absolute, unquestioning obedience and that it's most basic meaning centers more around being in line with your hierarchy and deferring to or cooperating with one's husband/government official/fellow congregant/etc.  Mrs. Pearl does have her exceptions (next chapter), but since I did the background checking I thought I'd go ahead and put it out here for y'all to see.

That aside, the vast majority of this chapter is actually pretty good in a pragmatic sort of way. Her advice generally amounts to "Make the best of it, and don't antagonize the man." Many of the women she writes about are in bad marriages, and she rightly points out that the Bible (and human nature) tells us that we'll never win a husband to Christ by nagging, pushing, scolding, or complaining. Men don't like being told they're wrong or being nagged or scolded, and being met at the door with a fresh litany of complaints every evening is a great encouragement for them to leave or shout at you or in general NOT become the spangly bright Nice Christian Man you wish he was. The Bible tells us that cheerful submission and a generally quiet demeanor are much better for winning one's husband. Any man on the street can tell you this as well. I disagree slightly that acting in this way will increase our husband's esteem among his peers. I suppose it depends on who his peers are though. Allen once heard a man he knew publicly diss his wife about something minor, and our evening with them was essentially over after that. He did not care to be in the presence of a man who acted that way. On the other hand, if a guy only hangs around a bunch of slubs his friends might think he's hot stuff for being able to keep such an awesome wife around. It's something of a mixed bag and fairly neutral from my perspective. A man might be won by being perceived as better than he is and trying to live up to it - wanting to be the man his wife thinks he is - or by seeing reflected back from his peers a conviction that he should be repenting and stepping up to become a decent husband. I could go either way I think.

On the other side of this, Mrs. Pearl counsels women not to step out in some sort of superior obedience apart from their husbands in areas like birth control. There was a woman who married a husband knowing that he only wanted two children. Then she "heard from God" and decided to have more children. By her sixth her husband had warned her that if she got pregnant again he was leaving. She did, and he did. Now obviously the husband should and could have done something about this, but I can imagine how he would feel as a husband watching his wife walk her own way in defiance of his wishes. He gives her four more chances to listen to him. By the fifth "extra" pregnancy he's decided that she doesn't give a darn for him. All he's good for is a pay check to feed all the babies she's popping out. So he leaves. And she's left high and dry. As Mrs. Pearl points out, you follow your own way at your own peril. Obviously I feel this is an area that requires judgement and not just knee jerk reactions, and Mrs. Pearl gets into that (with mixed results) in the next chapter.

I had two major "Oh no she didn't!" moments this whole chapter. The first came when she said that she has no authority higher than her husband - specifically referring to pastors. I need to do some more research on this, but in our church we take vows that we will submit ourselves to the authority of the church. That means I'm not just subject to Allen but also to our pastor. Obviously there are spheres of authority. I wouldn't necessarily buy a car because he told me to (although I did once buy a pair of boots he told me looked awesome when I ran into him at the shoe store in the mall), but I'm obligated to listen to him if he tells me I'm treating Allen wrong or are sinning in some fashion or damaging my witness. He's my authority in spiritual matters, and I'm daily grateful our church has someone like him. Although Mrs. Pearl's position isn't unknown in the Christian world I do think it's highly damaging. When a husband goes wrong there's no one with authority to rebuke him. Unless he's committing a crime there's no one "higher up the ladder" to whom she can appeal for redress of her grievances. That leaves wives utterly stranded in their marriages with little recourse but to take advice from people like Mrs. Pearl.

The second bit that sort of raised by eyebrows concerned "making an appeal." My first thought was "I have to get permission for my husband to take me seriously? What kind of marriage is this?" Then Allen pointed out that since Mrs. Pearl seems like the dramatic type it's entirely likely that she and her husband needed a way to talk that cut through her over the top personality and brought them down to facts. There are actually times when Allen and I need to signal "Hey, listen to me. This is really important." because, while not being a drama queen, I do like to chit chat about whatever I'm thinking about at the moment. Sometimes it's interesting stuff that Allen and I get into together, and sometimes I'm babbling about Christmas lights and throw pillows and whether or not we should plant a new pine tree in the backyard. It's not always obvious what stuff really matters to me and what is just running through my mouth. So I guess I'll pass on that point. I still think how she views the appeal making process (calling it a "liberty" - sounds like something you give your kids when they finish their homework on time), but overall it probably says more about her personality than how women in general can and should relate to their husbands.

Ok, almost done! I have to admit, I'm ready to get some other content up so that "Created to be His Help Meet" isn't the first thing I see when I open my blog.

Created to be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Home minded, good women)

Once again I'm putting two chapters together because honestly this far into the book many of the pages start running together. Mrs. Pearl receives a letter from someone. She tends to react somewhat harshly or histrionically to something she can't possibly know based on the letter as given. Somewhere amid the wild over-generalizations and bad exegesis she throws in some rather good pragmatic advice for dealing with recalcitrant husbands. Rinse and repeat. It's tempting to throw in the towel since I really do feel that I've amply shown why any sane woman should avoid this book like she'd avoid a blind taxi driver. But, I still keep finding bits I think are worth refuting. Also, every once in a while it just feels good to finish what you start.

In "Keepers at Home" Mrs. Pearl goes over why she feels its so important for women (especially mothers) to be physically and mentally present in the home. It's a laudable goal so far as it goes. I think in our modern, slap dash, scattered to the four winds kind of culture a woman who clearly makes her home a priority can be a lovely, unshakeable beacon for the weary and restless. I see the modern design trend for reclaimed wood and distressed furniture as a nostalgia for some mythical age where life was more solid and grounded. Our own histories are so often broken and jumbled, but we can rave over the patina on an old sideboard and reminisce about the past we wish we had - strong grandfathers and merry grandmothers and rows of pies set out for Thanksgiving and platters of fried chicken in the summers when our parents were young and our whole world was limitless as a fairy tale and we reveled in the innocent immortality of children. At our dream's heart are women with twinkling eyes, strong hands, and tender hearts whose home overflowed with the burgeoning joy of giving, creating, and loving. These are the story book mothers, and insofar as Debi Pearl teaches that sort of womanhood I'll stand aside and cheer. Instead, women get a load of fear and guilt that must surely cripple any heart felt joy in homemaking.

Opening this chapter, Mrs. Pearl relates the story of a missionary wife whose child was molested while the mother was briefly assisting in some ministering capacity. She strongly implies that the mother committed blasphemy by leaving her child those few moments and that this was the natural consequence. Let that sink in for a moment. A missionary couple, particularly the mom, left their child (unattended or not it doesn't say) for a few minutes and came back to discover their child was being/had been molested. And it's the mother's fault. There really are no words for such hateful lunacy. Unless Mrs. Pearl is holding back that these parents left their child with strangers whom they barely knew and had no reason to trust there really is no reason to blame this mom for recklessly abandoning her post. But in Mrs. Pearl's world there is no room for grace. You get what you sow, and if you don't like what you've got then you must have done some bad sowing in there somewhere. To continue the guilt she furthermore states that God will never make you choose between obeying Him and obeying your husband. If you have the right attitude towards God and your husband then everything will work out. How do you know if you've got the right attitude? Because things worked out. You see where this is going. Good things happen to good people. Tell that one to Job.

The rest of the chapter is basically a footnote on how using the phone and social media can be modern ways of "wandering about from house to house" and that keeping your home involves more than being physically present in it. She also contains a brief note on hospitality. Considering that I believe this one way women can really shine (see above) I wish she'd spent more time here.

The next chapter focuses on what it means to be "good." On a very practical level there's a lot to like here. Good women are indeed thrifty, industrious, compassionate, intelligent, wise, and respectful of their fathers/husbands/appropriate male authority. A good woman married to an ornery man will be wise to make the most of it and not expose their family to ridicule insofar as she is able. As I write this I recall that Jane Austen wrote an almost perfect description of what I mean:

His good looks and his rank had one fair claim on his attachment; since to them he must have owed a wife of very superior character to any thing deserved by his own. Lady Elliot had been an excellent woman, sensible and amiable; whose judgement and conduct, if they might be pardoned the youthful infatuation which made her Lady Elliot, had never required indulgence afterwards.--She had humoured, or softened, or concealed his failings, and promoted his real respectability for seventeen years; and though not the very happiest being in the world herself, had found enough in her duties, her friends, and her children, to attach her to life, and make it no matter of indifference to her when she was called on to quit them. (Persuasion)

A sensible woman in a difficult situation, who wants to live in relative peace, should deal wisely and discreetly with her husband's faults. I don't necessarily believe that it will make her husband act more kindly towards her, and I don't believe that she should conceal what others really do have a right to know. It's one thing to gloss over your husband's boorish behavior or obnoxious arrogance and another thing to see him take the office of elder when you know for a fact that he visits strip clubs while on business trips. A smart wife picks her battles and realizes there are probably fewer of them than her emotions think. It's not an assessment the Pearl's would like, but that's ok with me. 

According the Mrs. Pearl the opposite of a good woman is a "Dumb Cluck" (218).  How do you know if you're a dumb cluck? It just means you aren't an herb administering, do it yourself, improving book reading kind of woman. Honestly. The top three questions are about alternative vs conventional medicine. I land somewhere on the alternative medicine spectrum myself, but I also go see an endocrinologist and an ob/gyn and avoid judging people who pursue conventional medicine in good faith. The context of this "Dumb-Cluck Test" being a woman who is frustrated that her husband doesn't ever fix up or care for his own home and family but always has time for some poor widow lady. As Allen said, the issue isn't the issue. The question the woman was really asking is "Why doesn't my husband invest in our lives more," but in her answer Mrs. Pearl treats this woman as though she was spending her afternoons with her feet up reading a book instead of getting in there and helping out. That might be the case. The important fact is that we don't know this. Her husband might have already tried to fix the sink and failed. He might have told her to call a plumber, but she refuses because she's decided not to spend the money and is taking her decision out on him. He might actually be a deadbeat who enjoys the thrill of being a hero to some poor widow but can't be bothered to serve people who've heard him belch at the dinner table. We don't know. Practically speaking, if her husband really refuses to help her then she really does need to figure out a way to fix things either herself or perhaps with her father or brother's help, but to say a woman is stupid and lazy because she has a messy yard, a leaky sink, and busted screen door is harsh and judgmental. Again, there is no grace for you.

I'll close with a few words about this quote from chapter twenty-two: "Although a good woman can lift up a poor husband, a good man cannot make up for the deficits of a poor wife and create a family with a good reputation. A man married to such a wife usually becomes a hopeless loser, no matter how hard he tries to win" (216). In general terms there's some truth to this. A good woman can help promote her husband's "real respectability," whereas a bad woman will bring shame on her husband. Is this because the wife saves the husband and not visa versa? It almost looks that way, but I think it's something even more fundamental. Even today, if only in a nominal capacity, a husband is presumed to have some real authority over his wife's behavior (ie "Why can't he keep her in line?"), but a wife has no such presumption of authority (ie "Poor woman, it's a hard life with his kind.").  However, when Mrs. Pearl says that a man "cannot" make up for his folly of a wife she expressly denies his ability to guide, instruct, and exert an appropriate measure of authority over his wife's actions. True, people will judge him differently than were the situation reversed, but that's merely an affirmation of his leadership and not an abrogation of it.

The next chapter is on obeying one's husband. Oh boy.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Discretion and Chastity)

Two things: I'm really liking this more frequent update schedule I've got going right now. Writing really is fun. Also, merciful heavens can I not spot the typos? I've got an English degree, so you'd think I'd be better at this. Problem is that I can find them easily in standard blog view and have a hard time tracking them down in the editor view. Can someone in blogger work on this? Maybe a highlight function in preview mode? Or am I the only one with this problem? That aside....

I'm combining the next two chapters into one review because they're short and thematically go together pretty well. They also happen to be my most favorite and least favorite chapters respectively. Let's start with discretion shall we?

I love that Mrs. Pearl draws a parallel between discretion and good taste. I don't think I'd ever heard it put quite that way, but it makes so much sense. I tend to think of discretion in terms of not gossiping or being obnoxiously loud or wearing flashy, probably immodest, clothing, but really all that really comes down to taste or, to use another term, good judgement. On the flip side we've all seen women who lack taste, modesty, or good sense. It doesn't matter how pretty they are or how nice their clothes, it can't hide their silly, irresponsible, unattractive disposition. Mrs. Pearl goes on to equate discretion with a general propensity to consider and be mindful of other people's needs, abilities, and possessions.

I also love that she got into heart motives and how some things (in her example which stove to buy) can be lovingly and considerately discussed in one marriage when they couldn't be in another based on the larger relational context in which this discussion is taking place. This is one of the few cases (in my recollection) where Mrs. Pearl directs women to consider their needs and variants of their own marriage instead of applying a universal rule (ie never discuss monetary decisions) regardless of specifics. Naturally I really wish she'd hung out here a while because Mrs. Pearl is best when she's sitting around the kitchen table with you, so to speak, dispensing practical, pragmatic advice.

I also think her list of "Twelve Questions a Wife Can Ask That Will Tear Down Her House" is pretty good - with a couple caveats (193). I'll give you a couple examples and then explain the caveats.

1. Do you feel comfortable spending that much money buying ___?

3. Doesn't this activity you are engaging in grieve your spirit?

6. Why don't you spend more time with the boys?

8. Why, why will you not lead?

It's an incomplete, slightly abridged list, but you can get the flavor. It doesn't take a genius to see that these are mostly trick questions. When a spouse asks "Do you feel comfortable spending __" there's really only two possible interpretations, and actually only one primary interpretation. Although it could mean "I'm genuinely curious why you feel strongly enough about that laptop to spend that much money on it," the most likely interpretation is "I think it's a really stupid idea to spend that much money on a silly computer, and I'm testing you to see if you agree with me." If you have a great relationship (and you genuinely mean it) then you might be able to ask the first question in those words, but if it's a test then he's trapped. If he says "Yes" then you get to mutter to yourself about how husbands spend money on the most ridiculous things, but if he says "no" then he's still just submitted to a trick question. Not fun; not fair, and the second question I listed is even worse. There's nothing implied about the moral judgement incurred for answering wrong. The fourth question, easy to sound like an accusation. As for the last question: never, ever, as you value your marriage, ask any version of this question at any time. If he doesn't lead he's a loser, but if he does lead he's following his wife. There's no good way out of that question.

That said, I wish Mrs. Pearl had spent a little time addressing how women can address the fears and desires behind the questions. Consider the difference if a wife said "I don't feel comfortable spending this money" or "This activity grieves my spirit." The husband then can step in and address your concerns without submitting to accusations or trick questions. For the third question consider saying something like "I've noticed how much the boys enjoy spending time with you" or "It's not good for them to spend all their time with Mamma - can I help make time for them to play/work with you?" Give the man a space to step into instead of driving him away with accusations. Ditto for the last question. Ask his opinion about the sermon. Tell him the kids want to hear about David and Goliath at bedtime. Even ask him Sunday morning which dress he prefers. Find an opinion you can get behind instead of stage whispering directions to him about where and how he's supposed to be in front. The point is that, even though the questions are really, really bad, there's no reason why a wife can't address the emotions, concerns, and curiosity behind the questions. Instead of getting help reframing our words and emotions (so we can talk about the stove) we get a list of things to not say. It's less helpful than it could be.

The chapter on Chastity is where things really get scary. I actually had Allen read it just to make sure I wasn't having an inappropriate "well chastity isn't just girls you know!" knee jerk emotional reaction. I wasn't. It's honestly pretty bad. The best way I can describe the problem is that she conflates lust issues with chastity issues. Although the two have overlapping ground, they are not the same problem. The guys who write in or whom Mrs. Pearl describes are all whiny little lust buckets who consistently are bitter and blame women for their problems. Consider the fellow who had an "accident" after seeing a women bend over to pick up her child (205). Allen confirmed my instinct that this isn't typical even for teenage males. A guy who reacts that quickly and violently to visual stimuli has either physical or mental issues. In this case we know that "Bob" had unrestrained issues with lust that apparently never resolved themselves, so we have a winner with mental issues. Think about it, when you want to convince women of the need to dress modestly, are you going to talk about ordinary men with ordinary physical desires that occasionally stray into nuisance lust but don't fill them with bitterness, or are you going to describe a man who seems to have no handle on his sex drive and is consumed by bitterness and lust? This is Mrs. Pearl, so she chose the latter. It add absolutely nothing to the conversation. While a normal guy may be grateful when women dress in ways that signal their sexual unavailability, the lustful man will be driven more and more to feed his desires on whatever is available - exposed legs or an attractive collar bone. Lust is a heart matter than cannot be fenced off by dictating skirt lengths.

Mrs. Pearl's position of clothing goes beyond skirt lengths though. She writes, "A woman's body, moving within visual range of a man, unless it is modestly covered in a way that says to the man that you have no interest in him taking pleasure in your appearance, can be as stimulating to him as disrobing completely" (201). As Allen said "that dog won't hunt." There are a couple problems, but the main one is that she assumes pleasure has a purely sexual meaning. If this is true I wonder how she'd react to a bride walking down the aisle. If there's a ever a time in her life where a woman compels the world to honor and acknowledge her beauty it's then, and likewise there is no other time when a woman is so sexually unattainable. To the world watching she is sexually dedicated and to the one man waiting she is still unknown. Obviously there are those women who dishonor their position by tarting it up even then, but that's not generally true and especially not of the church. So does a chaste bride in her adornments not give pleasure when we see her enter the church? If so what kind of pleasure? I'm going to put a definition out there.

beau·ty
noun \ˈbyü-tē\
plural beauties
Definition of BEAUTY
1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : loveliness

There's nothing new here. Beauty is pleasurable and attractive. We all know this. What Mrs. Pearl is indirectly saying is that beautiful women (dressed chastely or not) cause men to sin. So a beautiful woman might as well put a bag over her head and stay home. But then why do men get married? Because they love a woman, enjoy her company, and...find her sexually attractive. St. Paul is pretty darn clear on this one. People marry for various reasons, but sexual attractiveness and the desire for sexual union is right up at the top of the list just under "be not unequally yoked." Women now have an impossible position to maintain. They must be attractive enough that somewhere at some time a godly young man will want to bed them but not so attractive that men in general are tempted to lust after them. Say what?

I'm not tiptoeing up to an opinion that women should be able to dress however they please and let the guys deal with the consequences. Mrs. Pearl is dead to rights that women are commanded to be chaste and modest. She even gets the whole pants or no pants issue right. (Short version, the Bible is against cross dressing, but since the whole ancient world wore uni-bifurcated garments it's silly to turn around and say that only men can wear pants now.) This is an immensely important point. But what I really wish she'd done is make a distinction between attractiveness and sexual availability. Your mom getting ready for church on Easter Sunday is attractive. The girl on her third cosmo wearing a red mini skirt and five inch heels is sexually available (or at least thinking about it). It's the latter that we're supposed to avoid. When Paul wrote about chastity he was writing in an era of temple prostitutes, and he was telling Christians those girls might be hot but Christian women don't dress that way. Consider also those men's mags. You don't see "Really Hot Girl In a Nice Dress" splashed across the front. Nope. She might be in a dress on the cover (if we're all lucky), but that dress is long gone by the time you reach page 10. Undressing is titillating. Being dressed in a manner that suggests you could be undressed by the next lucky man to pay for your manhattan is also titillating. Being a nice looking girl wearing attractive clothes makes you a pleasant part of the social landscape.

This post has gotten longer than I thought it would, but I want to add this aside. There's more to modesty than sex. Paul talks about arranging one's hair as part of modesty, but I can't say I've ever seen a sexually immodest hair style. There's an aspect of modesty that goes with the tasteful aspect of discretion. A woman of good taste doesn't dress herself ostentatiously or pile on gobs of makeup or wear an outrageous hairstyle to church. These things are done with taste and good aesthetics in mind. A woman can be covered head to toe and still be guilty of not following Paul's directions.

I'll close with a few words about Bathsheba. As part of giving men an absolute free past in this area Mrs. Pearl goes on to completely mis-characterize David and Bathsheba. Whereas Nathan went straight to David with his sin, Mrs. Pearl directly blames Bathsheba for causing her husband's death and a king's downfall by her "indiscretion." And yet David was on the roof of his palace whiling away his time when he should have been at war. David was out of place not Bathsheba. It's likely that Bathsheba assumed the king was busy elsewhere and not roaming around on the roof ogling her. In the story Nathan tells David, Bathsheba is the lamb who was stolen, and David is the thief. Bathsheba's son, King Solomon gave us Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon. God, Nathan, and David all agreed that the sin was his. But Mrs. Pearl disagrees. For reasons that have little to do with Biblical exegesis. You can't get something this basic this wrong without raising lots of eyebrows. I only have two, but they are fully raised at this point.


Just four more chapters here. Then maybe I start on a more interesting book :)

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Love them chillen's)

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

I know that despite my post rate increasing, I haven't exactly been getting through this book very fast. But I will finish. I promise. On days like today grinding out another book review post actually seems like a great way to temporarily forget how much painting I still need to do =D

So, I thought it was awesome that Mrs. Pearl spent the first couple pages emphasizing that to be a good mother you have to be a good wife. Having grown up with my parent's somewhat dysfunctional marriage, I think this is a great way to start. Looking back I easily can see where codependency in their marriage affected our lives as children. If the kitchen is the heart of the home, I really think the marriage bed is its soul. There are the two hands of Christianity - service and communion. Speaking of service, I was further pleased to see Mrs. Pearl reaffirm the worth and necessity of practically loving and serving your family every day. As she points out, there are plenty of mothers who leave all the child rearing to others, and therefore don't have good reason to be surprised when there kids turn out dumb and uncaring. It takes a mother taking the time to teach, train, and answer a hundred thousand questions to truly raise a child. This is hard work and valuable, and I found Mrs. Pearl's encouragement highly practical. (At the point I should probably throw in the obvious caveat that I don't have children, and these remarks are all made from the perspective of what I think I'd like to hear when I am raising children. There, exhaustive caveat complete.)

Balancing out this good advice we come to (surprise!) the nonsensical edicts and fear mongering I've unfortunately come to expect from Created to be His Help Meet. It starts with Mrs. Pearl responding to a letter in which a women complains of insufficient meditation time and female companionship, by flat out saying that women don't need time together outside of church meetings once or twice a week. In her words "God never intended for you the have intimacy with another woman, whether in worship or otherwise" (181). Mrs. Pearl even warns that she's seen such relationships become "abnormal and sick" (182). Now I could be totally misreading this, but it sounds like Mrs. Pearl is saying the women should all work alone in their own homes and that doing otherwise could (eventually) lead to lesbianism, which puts a very disturbing spin on Ruth and Naomi's relationship. Right? And what about Mary and Elizabeth? Those are just the examples of the top of my head, but I'm sure there are others. It might be wise for wives to limit their emotional dependence on other women simply because problems arise when you go outside your marriage for what should be nourished inside it, but that's not what she says. She says that God doesn't want you to do this. With zero evidence. Maybe some women need to be told to stop gossiping with their girlfriends instead of tending to their families, but in today's individualized society I think many more women should be encouraged in finding ways to work together and share all the homely wisdom that comes with three kids, 17 years of marriage, or a life spent in single service to God.

This was almost a footnote this the chapter, but I found it singularly odd that she closed the chapter with a disturbing picture of the possibility for sexual molestation should you take your eyes off your child for one minute. She gives a few statistics without citing a single source and even throws blame on innocent young men by casting them as potential child molesters. Yes, this sort of thing does happen, but the day I'm afraid to let my child run around after church for fear of being molested is the day I change churches. In fact, I would do what Mrs. Pearl says not to do - trust God to protect my children. Don't believe me?

You cannot pray and expect God for supernatural intervention and protection. God has already provided for her through you. You can and must pray and ask God to make you a more attentive and sober parent, that you might better protect your child (186).

The second part of her prayer is great - we all should be praying to God that we might better fulfill our roles and have strength for the tasks ahead. However, I cannot, do no, and will not believe that I can control everything. If my child were to get hurt I'm sure I'd be torn with grief and feeling of failing. I'd probably even tell my child I'm sorry I didn't/couldn't protect them that time. But, only God is in control. He is their salvation and protector as He is my own. The presence of human mediators doesn't replace the divine reality.


Next time - Discretion. I have to say that Mrs. Pearl generally gets it in one. It's a pity she didn't elaborate more.

odd posting order

Hey there - so my blog decided to post out of order, and since I'm too lazy to (try and) fix it I'm just going to post the link up here where folks can see it :)

Linky linky!

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Love that Man!)

Yes, I do realize that at this rate I'm probably going to be finishing up around Thanksgiving. Someone at this address doesn't handle stress or multitasking very well. Guess what skills I've been working on since we bought our new house? (Pictures are forthcoming. I promise.)

Chapter 16 is all about teaching younger women to love their husbands. It's a great chapter because in many ways Mrs. Pearl has a refreshingly frank and cheerful manner in discussing sexual relationships between husbands and wives, and it's great to hear a women teaching wives to be cheerful, enthusiastic, playful helpmeets in this area. Unfortunately it seems that no one remotely normal ever writes to Mrs. Pearl, and the the frequent lack of nuance in her replies does little to normalize the issue. While her overall point (sex is something that should a cheerful, frequent part of life with your husband) is good, some of the specifics are troubling or odd.

I found it rather interesting that Mrs. Pearl makes no provision for husbands and wives to discuss when they have sex beyond the husband saying, "How about now?" and wife responding, "Sounds great!" Although I think she's generally wise to challenge women to rethink their excuses for not having sex, I think there's really more to it than that. Perhaps this is a couple where the wife is consistently frustrated at being woken up either late at night or early in the morning and ten minutes of talking about when the baby needs to eat or how much sleep she needs to get before packing four lunch boxes (or perhaps whether lunch should be packed the night before) would resolve that little tangle and result in two well rested and satisfied people instead of one. There are ways of saying, "Hey did you remember I have to be up at 5:30" or "I'm feeling fat and grouchy and unattractive" that indicate one's desire to have a serving, willing heart and yet let the other person know that maybe planning to sleep late the next day would be more satisfactory. It's a heart issue that Mrs. Pearl doesn't address.

My critique at this point might sound a little more disjointed than usual because in the chapter more than ever it's in the corners and crannies that we find Mrs. Pearls idiosyncrasies. For instance, in several places (p 164,168) Mrs. Pearl refers to men's egos being entirely wrapped up in being a successful lover. As she puts it: "Making his wife feel glorious when he touches her in the ultimate test of his manhood --the very measure of the man" (p164). Really? I asked Allen and he agreed with me that this seemed sort of odd. She's essentially decreeing one relational mode for all men everywhere based on her observations. More a "citation needed" moment than anything. There's another one on page 169 where she says that all women have basically the same sex drives. Really? I've read more than one book about sex and marriage, and I never gotten the impression that sex drives were assigned by gender. (Newsflash: All women have lower sex drives than men is a myth.) The biggest "citation needed" blooper comes at the very end though where Mrs. Pearl says, "God always speaks first to the wife" (p172). Sometimes God works by having a wife submit to an ungodly husband, and sometimes it's a Godly husband who loves his ungodly wife. Having a submissive wife may help, but one could almost extrapolate that a man can't either love an unsubmissive wife or win a lost wife through loving her as God loves the church. Either one might be somewhat rare, but they are fully in accord with the narrative thrust of Scripture. Moving on.....

In addition a few odd, unsupported claims, towards the end Mrs. Pearl says that she doesn't want to hear all the reasons why women don't feel able to fully participate in sex --injuries during childbirth, menopause, sheer exhaustion from chasing five kids, etc. She tells women to stop the excuses and put out forth haste. Not bad general advice, but I'd feel a whole lot better if she had any practical suggestions (consulting healthcare professionals, counseling, a better sleeping schedule, more comfortable positions or times). All too often we hear of women struggling not only with their own sexual dysfunction but with deep shame and even callous or disbelieving medical professionals. How much better at this point if Mrs. Pearl had taken time to reiterate to these women the importance of sexual intimacy to their husbands and brainstorm some ways wives can help maintain that intimacy as they seek more permanent healing. However that (as I have noted before) would require nuance :)

Next time: Wives - love ya kids! (Assuming you have kids. And I'm just realizing that I don't think Mrs. Pearl mentions infertility once in this book. Not that she necessarily should have. Just a realization.)

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Sobriety)

Well it's been 2 1/2 very busy months over here, but I'm finally putting up another review. Sorry for the delay. My brains, as you may imagine, have been largely elsewhere.

Mrs. Pearl introduces Part 2 of CTBHHM with a brief overview of Titus 2:3-5 and her intention to work through the various things that "aged women" are to be teaching young wives - namely "to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands." The second part opens with a discussion of what it means to be "sober." By this Mrs. Pearl doesn't mean abstention from alcohol or drugs but rather a steady-minded attention to one's job.

Mrs. Pearl says that when a woman marries "she makes a commitment to be the best wife, mother, and manager of the home that anyone could be."(147 emphasis mine) The first thing that came to mind when I read that statement was the parable of the servants charged with investing their master's money. God didn't compare the servant with four talents to the servant with ten and say "You lazy servant! How is it that you stand before me with only four talents when your fellow servant has ten? You should have worked harder to gain the required amount!" No, God says "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master" (Matt 25:23). All that to say I winced when I saw that Mrs. Pearl had me committed to being the best wife anyone could possibly be without regard to my particular gifts, circumstances, or how far along I am on the journey of housewifely sanctification. The flip side is that there are some women who probably laze along thinking "well I'm doing the best I can" when actually they need someone to say in no uncertain terms that, while "their best" might have been fine for the first six months of marriage, by their third anniversary they should have enough practice to move the goal posts back a few yards. As Mrs. Pearl says, "When a woman soberly considers the needs, time schedule, and resources of her home, then she will be a more efficient help meet" (147).

The application segment of this chapter is the usual mix of highs and lows. Yes you are called to serve your husband when he's a jerk. No I don't think that being perfect will make your husband automatically stop being a jerk. An alcoholic doesn't cease to be an alcoholic simply because he's at a meeting of Southern Baptist elders. Lack of opportunity doesn't equal change of heart. On the other hand more women should probably be encouraged to think of their home in a more businesslike manner and employ a little more left brain problem solving to what is actually a rather complex vocation. Mrs. Pearl is gracious enough to suggest how a busy mom can get meals on the table with a minimum of fuss, but I find it very ungracious of her (by which I literally mean lacking in Grace) to suggest that bad days just don't happen to good wives. Cf the statement about doing your best above. If you're using "bad days" as an excuse not to plan then I suggest you get a clue, otherwise I think we can just move along.

I have to say my favorite anecdote of the whole book is the one where her cousin relates her despair at being told by her husband, on a very hot day in the south in a house with no air conditioning, that he just wanted a cold meal. This after she'd slaved away at a hot stove doing her very best for him. The younger generation hearing this story was very huffy, but the older women laughed it off as the growing pains of marriage. There's a whole lot of wisdom in that story, but I think I can sum it up as the following: be willing to laugh at your mistakes and keep learning. A hot, exhausted husband isn't the end of the world, and the things that crush us today will often lead us on to greater successes tomorrow. Marriage, like Mattie Ross, requires grit.

I begin to think that Mrs. Pearl never met a nuance she couldn't put in time out. Apparently after 1960 "all" media began proclaiming the year of female liberation and "as always" the established churches (by which I'm guessing she means mainline denominations) weren't far behind in perpetuating all sort of gender whackadoodle. This of course ignores Piper, MacArthur, Driscoll, Wilson, my pastor, and the not insignificant number of pastors and teachers who have labored mightily against this very thing. But no matter. In contrast we get the famous "excerpt from an undocumented, possibly non-existent, 1950's home ec textbook on how to be a good wife." I'm not going to reproduce it here. I already review this book in way too much detail. Sufficing to say I don't find it surprising that a decade so devoted to worshipful adoration of the adult male led to more than one daughter deciding that she wanted OUT! While the list might not be an actual historical artifact, the sentiments are, and I find more than a tinge of desperation in the "please dear heaven don't do anything to upset this man who has an actual paying job and earns money so that you can flit around with your little cherubs while wearing cotton sundresses that your granddaughters will one day seek for high and low through every thrift store that hipsterville offers." After all, one could postulate that in the more secular American 50's (and yes the post-war years were more secular in many ways) men had less pressure than ever before to remain faithful, diligent husbands whereas their wives were in an economy that put sociological pressure on women to return home in order to open up jobs for returning vets. This is all theory mind you, but perhaps the "liberated" women of the 60s and 70s saw their mothers trapped in a desperate cycle of trying to please their husbands and maintain the only safe and respectable position they had in society? In short, they saw their mothers putting into place Mrs. Pearl's advice (albeit likely in a secular setting) and decided based on the outcome that they'd try independence thank you very much. It's a thought. The 60s didn't pop out of a vacuum. Whatever actually happened in those tumultuous decades Mrs. Pearl closes with the whiplash inducing injunction not to make an idol of our homes (the one's we're supposed to being keeping in tiptop shape because we're Sober Help Meets) because it can cause emotional distress ie drive us crazy. If you want any of those statement to dovetail you need to bring your own router.

Also, Mrs. Pearl knows that Mary was "self-possessed, thoughtful, and always learning to make wise judgements." Given the amount of Scripture used to back up this claim I could say that Mary was a hot-headed, impulsive young thing who was happy to find a situation where submitting to God didn't mean biting her tongue when her little sister asked her to play "Moses in the Bullrushes" with her. Again. Yes, I'm probably thinking this thing through way too much.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 1 (Concerning Mysteries and Kingdoms)

We're finally closing out Part One of CTBHHM, and I wanted to share an insight I gained talking with my mother-in-law. As we discussed some of the problems I have with this book she pointed out that at least some of my reactions are probably heightened because I saw my mom and dad acting out a codependent relationship with my mom at the center. Even though my mom would swear up and down that my dad called the shots, her emotional state is what, from my perspective, actually ruled the family. Hence I get really jumpy listening to Mrs. Pearl talk about how women can have a perfect marriage regardless of their husbands - once again all that talk about respect and authority masking the real position as wife firmly in the central, guiding role. On the other hand, women who grew up seeing their moms (or other women around them) getting along despite a recalcitrant husband might actually be encouraged by hearing that they can have a "good" marriage regardless of the man's attitude. I still think it's potentially problematic for wives to take some of Mrs. Pearl's very pragmatic advice into healthy, maturing marriages, but I understand a little more why some women might miss so much of what completely turns me off of this book.

Chapter 13 opens with the "great mystery" of Ephesians 5:32-33 and the return of Dubious Exegesis Debi. I'm going to block quote Ephesians 5:32-33 once as cited in CTBHHM and follow with Ephesians 5:22-33 as per my Bible. Although I typically use ESV I'll post the second quote from KJV just for comparison's sake.

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and church...and the wife see that she reverence her husband.(emphasis in original)

Compared with:

22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (emphasis mine)

I realize those at just a couple hunks of text tossed on the (virtual) page, but I wanted to provide a means of contrasting and contextualizing Mrs. Pearl's reference. It doesn't take an advanced degree in English to see that Mrs. Pearl is leaving a whole lot out of her quote. The Bible says "This is a great mystery:but I speak concerning Christ and the church." Basic reading here: "but" contrasts with "mystery" and attempts to provide some sort of information about this mystery. It doesn't say "and" which would you lead you into another topic. This is about the mystery. What mystery though? Is it wives reverencing husbands? The preceding sentence says "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery." Any common sense reading of this passage would equate the "great mystery" with the "one flesh" of marriage. If you look back up at the extended quotation you'll that Paul is constantly going back and forth between the unity of marriage and the unity of Christ and Church. Based on his argument I'd say that this "great mystery" refers to the "one flesh" union of marriage and furthermore applies the metaphor of marriage to Christ's union with His Church. Could Mrs. Pearl be right? Maybe. But, although I can excuse her elipsing out the husband's role she also left out this ticky little "Nevertheless." If we took the husband out of that passage it would still read "Nevertheless let...the wife see that she reverence her husband." "Nevertheless" is approximately equivalent to "however" and signals a shift in the conversation and is therefore and important word to have been left out. Given the complete quotation it would take quite a bit of 'splaining for me to accept Mrs. Pearl's version of the "great mystery."

You might think I'm spending too much time on a simple misquote, but it's important when she's making it the foundation for understanding how a wife reverences her husband. The biggest mystery is how she missed the mystery! Once she gets past her odd exegesis Mrs. Pearl actually has some good things to say about how our marriage is supposed to be an earthly picture of Christ's union with the Church and how this prepares us for the day when we really are joined to Christ.

And now it's over the top story time! Mrs. Pearl presents us with another wife (this time one whose husband visits prostitutes) who goes out of her way to make her husband feel like the most amazing dad in the world. I suppose I'm a wildly skeptical wife, but I don't think my marriage vows include anything about coming down with an incurable venereal disease because I'm having sex with a man who has sex with prostitutes. In that same vein I don't consider staying with a man who tried to kill with a butcher knife while you're pregnant to be covered by my marriage vows. Since Sunny and Amed's story (and the outrageous advice Mrs. Pearl gave) are legendary I won't add very much. If you have a friend who refuses to leave her abuser then counseling her to do everything in her power to not set him off is valid, but it's not as valid is seeing that son a degenerate rat put in jail! Actually counseling a woman to stay with her abuser could end up with with one (or more) deaths, and I'd hate to be the woman who told that wife to stay.

But, once again, if you ignore the crazy you'll find some good advice on overlooking your spouses faults (not feeding the dog, forgetting your birthday, etc) and not trying to "punish" them with our attitudes. At best you get strife and at worse you get the freedom for a find another man who'll forget to mend the door or pick up a gallon of milk. Good marriages, as Mrs. Pearl rightly points out, are made of overlooking faults and loving the other person.

I wasn't sure about adding any more to this post since it's already getting rather long, but if you'll bear with me the next chapter is pretty short.

Mrs. Pearl closes out Part 1 with a chapter on the practical outworkings of reverencing one's husband. I could go into it point by point, but basically it means publicly and privately acting in ways that build your husband up and bring him honor. It means serving him and appreciating his attentions and company and certainly not shaking off an embrace because he might mess up your dress or your hair. (Caveat: If we were getting ready for an event and Allen tried to bear hug me in such a way that it'd be another 20 minutes putting my hair back in order I'd give him a friendly warning to that effect simply because being late/arriving deshabille could also reflect badly on us/him.) So far so good. Once again though I lose her when she says that God has installed in a men a response mechanism whereby wives can win their husbands by correct behavior and that men, conversely, really can't do anything about a recalcitrant wife. She might have a point, but if you read that as "You can lead your angry husband even if he resists, but he can't lead you unless you let him" it doesn't seem to square with the roles of husbands and wives. I don't have a chapter and verse at the moment, but it doesn't sound right.

Next time we'll start on Part 2. Stay tuned :)

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 1 (Men and Women)

One reason I don't trust Mrs. Pearl is because her exegesis tends to be very hit or miss. On the other hand, her writing is actually best when she approaches things pragmatically - ie how to make the best of being married when one (or both of you) can't handle situations in an emotionally mature, Biblical manner. Face it, this book isn't written to wives who basically wish to do well by their husbands and who have similarly inclined husbands. This is a high octane drag race out of marriages that are one mislaid gas bill away from divorce court. Her examples, predictions, and methods are extreme. If Allen and I tried living by these chapters we'd be in counseling within 6 months. Just writing this review I'm noticing myself slipping back into timidity.

All of chapter 11 is pretty much an example of how NOT to read your Bible. I'm almost impressed that her husband (a pastor and supposedly a Greek scholar) would have endorsed so many errors. I suppose the crazy goes deep in their home. And as usual she displays a complete lack of nuance in describing men and women. In her world men carve out canoes with their teeth and use them to go hunting polar bears with spear made from the tusk they wrestled out of a walrus. We ain't got no sissy boys here no sir! The women, naturally, are calm, practical, and rather bemused by these caveman activities. Whenever a man stops punching trees down with his fists to comment on the color of sunset or quote a little Wordsworth his woman is thrilled to see her hulking he-man actually possesses a shred of sensitivity. Yeah........For the record I make a really mean apple pie, and Allen would never have started backpacking if I hadn't persuaded him to come with me. On the other hand Allen likes to wrestle with code monsters the size of Grendel (if I'm reading those muttered imprecations correctly that is) while I content myself with a little old fashioned romance. Who's more likely to read an old book because it's there? Allen. Who's more likely to climb on top of a rock because it's there. Me. Who wears the pants in the family? Allen - all day, every day, and that's the way we like it. But, we were going to talk about exegesis.

Naturally enough Mrs. Pearl takes a big chunk of space going over the Adam and Eve narrative. She has this spiel about how God created man with all this armor that helps men drive to succeed and enjoy challenges and how God created women to stand behind her husband's armor with the understanding that a woman's more tender and trusting nature is necessary for rearing children. As a general outline of male/female temperaments it's fine, but as part of the Adam and Eve narrative it's only the first of many problems. She interrupts this narrative to basically say that men and women have different ways of being spiritual and different ways of ignoring God. She turns this into a claim that most Christian cults (not sure how she's defining that) are brought about by women. To support this she cites Matthew 13:33 which says, "He told them another parable. 'The kingdom of heaven is like leaven that a woman took and hid in three measures of flour, till it was all leavened.'” In case this parable isn't fresh in your mind (I had to look it up) it's the last in a series of parables (including the mustard seed story) concerning the kingdom of Heaven and, to my understanding, illustrates how God's kingdom grows and expands. I could be convinced otherwise, but it would take more than the bare statement "Jesus uses this to illustrate corruption" to do so. This is important though because Mrs. Pearl is about to completely exonerate Adam for his role in the Fall. You'd think this would be hard, but by starting with 1 Tim 2:14's statement "And Adam was not deceived" she builds a case that Adam found himself led by his love for Eve to ignore God's rules so that Eve could have her heart's desire. On this basis women need to be very careful with the power they have over their men so as to not destroy their husbands and themselves with him. Right. Adam, lord of creation, whipped! It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me either. On one hand these men of ours are so set in their ways that must resort to placation to preserve peace and on the other hand we can send them to Hell with a little hip sashay. I realize that people are contradictory, but this is going a little too far. As Allen pointed out, Adam may well have been using Eve as a guinea pig to test God's rules because, hey, he could spare another rib if Eve burst into flames. Sounds more a kid saying "you open the cookie jar" than a mature man blinded by self-sacrificing love. Don't know that I'll ever know what really happened in Adam's head, but by that token neither does Mrs. Pearl!

To continue this story of fallen Eve, Mrs. Pearl looks to Jezebel the notorious wife of Ahab. No surprise that Jezebel becomes something of an all-powerful, emasculating force and that Ahab becomes a poor, pathetic loser. According to Mrs. Pearl, Jezebel 1. Led Ahab spiritually, 2. Caused Ahab to become unstable and depressed by assuming "the masculine role (112)," 3. Played Ahab's stress to her own advantage, and 4. Influenced her husband to destroy those she didn't like by using "spiritual pressure (113)." In other words Ahab was led around by his nose. Poor chump never really stood a chance. I think I'll pity him. Oh wait!

In the thirty-eighth year of Asa king of Judah, Ahab the son of Omri began to reign over Israel, and Ahab the son of Omri reigned over Israel in Samaria twenty-two years. 30 And Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the Lord, more than all who were before him. 31 And as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, he took for his wife Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Sidonians, and went and served Baal and worshiped him. 32 He erected an altar for Baal in the house of Baal, which he built in Samaria. 33 And Ahab made an Asherah. Ahab did more to provoke the Lord, the God of Israel, to anger than all the kings of Israel who were before him. 1 Kings 16: 29-33

For all her "exegesis" Mrs. Pearl never once points out Ahab's own evil character and how it contributes to the story. For instance, it says that Jezebel took the king's seal and signed letters in his name and sent them out in a plot to kill Naboth. Mrs. Pearl takes this as evidence that Jezebel was usurping authority, but in ancient times the one who had the king's seal essentially had the king's voice, and you'd think that if Jezebel had slipped it off his finger one night we'd know about it from Scripture because it would be a Big Deal. It's far more likely that Ahab was sulking like a little boy and only to happy for his clever wife to deal with things. Does that make Ahab weak? Yes. Does it make him fully complicit? Yes. Did God hold Ahab accountable for taking Naboth's vineyard? Yes. If you flip back through 1 Kings you'll see that Elijah doesn't go to Jezebel and rebuke her for usurping her husband's authority and conspiring to commit murder. Instead Elijah goes directly to Ahab and accuses him of murder. Jezebel comes in for her share of condemnation, but Ahab is still clearly the one in authority, and what Jezebel does in the Ahab's name is counted to him.

Honestly this whole story is a bit of a muddle. There isn't much to be said for either Ahab or Jezebel. Jezebel is a obviously a thoroughly evil woman whom (and I'm surprised Mrs. Pearl missed this bit) the Bible says incited Ahab to evil, yet Ahab was already dashing off the sins of his fathers with ease when he married Jezebel. Ahab might have been weak to let Jezebel handle things for him, but one could also say that Ahab used Jezebel to accomplish his own desires when he couldn't be bothered to exert himself. My problem with Mrs. Pearl isn't that Jezebel isn't fully as wicked as she says but that there's no consideration of who the Bible declares Ahab to be. Jezebel didn't take (or do) anything that Ahab wasn't ok with. The Bible doesn't even say that she led him away after idols (and the Bible isn't shy of saying that). That's a different story than Debbie would have you hear.

Debbie concludes chapter 11 by considering some positive examples of Biblical womanhood. I do like that she affirms the strength and dignity of the Proverbs 31 woman. I know a whole lot of guilt and shame comes in the door with that particular passage, but I've become convinced that we should really be reading Proverbs 31 and be encouraged by her strength and humor. Feeling that way it's always good for someone to stop apologizing for why she exists. However, Mrs. Pearl mostly uses this space to trot out her two pet peeves of the overly spiritual woman (who's actually using her "superior" spirituality against her husband and family) and the controlling woman. Not two things I really see in Proverbs 31 and (par for the course) not things that she backs up with reference to Proverbs 31.

Now for good parts of Mrs. Pearl's exegesis. Mrs. Pearl opens chapter 12 by explaining the hierarchy God has placed in marriage and that submitting to this hierarchy is more about submitting to God and taking your role in the grand metaphor of marriage than about submitting to a man because he's earned it somehow. That's something people (women) need to hear more often. We salute the uniform if not always the man in it. It's not, as she goes on the explain, that women are incompetent to lead or teach or hold authority but rather that God has drawn limits around those activities. As Mrs. Pearl put it, "It is not a question of being qualified; it is a matter of being authorized (119)." I'm encouraged that her explication of Deborah on this matter is to the point. Deborah the judge was a very effective leader and mother of Israel, and she knew that it was too Isreal's shame that there were no men remotely capable to be found. If you read the whole story you know that the king himself wanted to hide behind her skirts when he went into battle, and that resulted in even more glory and honor being taken from him. When women rule men well it's a judgement not a blessing, and that goes double for marriage.

So there you have it. It's taken me a good while to get this post up because there's so much I wanted to say, and with good and bad so frequently mingled it's been difficult to state my position with any clarity. Also, there are a couple of typos in this post, and I'm currently getting too cross eyed to go back and check them. So forgive my laziness. Hopefully this review hasn't been too jumbled. I'll try to get something coherent up in the next couple days, but since my in-laws are coming to town tomorrow I may not be getting on the internet much for the next few days.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 1 (Understanding your husband)

I'm just going to say up front that all of chapter 8 is something of a headscratcher. From a purely pragmatic point of view I see value in her advice. Men who demand to be waited on hand and foot aren't likely to brook much opposition. Guys on a personal crusade to restore the Stuart Monarchy aren't likely going to care so much about living in a nice bungalow within reasonable distance of his wife's family. Laid back guys who just grind out their days probably won't move to Alaska because some dude with bushy eyebrows found a few ounces of gold. As a wife you pretty much have to roll with it - guys don't typically marry a woman hoping that they've finally found someone who'll give their whole personality a brisk going over. On that front I'd say read this chapter and grab any bits that look likely and see where they take you. In the broadest terms (ie stop nagging and deal) Mrs. Pearl is saying something valuable. On the other hand, she's also pulling some things straight out of her braid. For instance, Mrs. Pearl opens by saying that she understands men to be expressing in their dominant traits different sides of God's Triune nature and then says that Jesus is the only man who contained all three of these traits in perfect balance but then moves on without any explication. Maybe it's a deep insight. Maybe it's not. Without more context it's hard to tell.

Oh, and here are my odd statements for this chapter.

Most young girls are married only a short time when they make the awful discovery that they may have gotten a lemon (76).

and

Wives are very much flesh and blood, and as young women we don't come to marriage with all the skills needed to make it start out good, let alone be perfect (89).

A. I really hope not.
B. Generalize much?

And so far that's Mrs. Pearl in a nutshell - some larger good principles to apply and then some completely odd statements that make me think she's really writing this book to her younger, headstrong self who jumped into marriage with an autocratic man and (almost) lived to regret it before finally learning to just roll with the punches. Nice work if you can get it, but then again if one of my daughters ever tried out her "I want to have your babies" line I'd yank her lily butt back home before the fella'd had time to stop blushing. Call me old fashioned, but I like the men to do the chasing.

Before moving on I'd like to comment on her bike trip honeymoon story. I agree with Mrs. Pearl in part. In the interest of peace this wife really did need to understand that her husband was not going to listen regardless of how well suited she was to advise. Better for her to have as much fun as she could than to become bitter. I would even add that she needed to diligently search her own heart to see if she'd been advising him with an open and loving spirit or whether it had grown from superiority and discontent. In either case she has some work to do. If the latter she needs to work on her heart and focus on keeping her mouth closed until she can speak to her husband with love and respect. In the former case she might also need to keep her mouth closed, but she should also realize that she might have married a fool and need to pray (and prepare) accordingly. This might mean stashing part of her mad money (or butter and egg money) in the freezer so they have something to fall back on when he dumps their last penny into a busted enterprise. It might mean quietly signing up for AAA and changing the oil yourself when he steadfastly ignores car maintenance. This is a trajectory that Mrs. Pearl doesn't consider but seems implicit in the man's character as described.

Chapters 9 and 10 really go together and therefore will be treated as one block. She opens with a letter from a woman whose husband has, after long years working as a CPA, decided he wants to be a dairy farmer. She's upset, overwhelmed, and really not into it. While Mrs. Pearl's response is a little over the top it's still on point in that she basically tells the wife to deal with it and enjoy being a dairy farmer's wife. Better to follow her husband's lead than to make them all miserable, and (although Mrs. Pearl doesn't suggest this) it's barely possible that if this wife made a gung-ho effort that after a year or so her husband might decide for himself that they really aren't country people and propose a move back towards their old life.

Transitioning from chapter 9 to chapter 10 Mrs. Pearl explains how revising our thoughts can change the way we feel (and therefore change our reactions) and stop the cycles of harmful reactions. She illustrates (and here I find Mrs. Pearl refreshingly realistic) how the dairyman's wife can spend days and weeks thinking about her own frustrations and grievances until she literally bursts the second her husband walks in the door. By refocusing her thoughts on how diligent her husband is and how grateful she is for his provision she can break the cycle that is wearing down her and her husband. Mrs. Pearl concludes with something that's worth quoting and remembering: "No woman will ever have peace and joy in her marriage until her mind is filled with goodwill towards her husband (103)." Amen. Over all I'm finding CTBHHM both better and worse than I remembered.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 1 (Wisdom)

As I've moved into the section on wisdom I've found that there are some great one-liners and some real head-scratchers bumping elbows. Let's start with this one:

God made you to fulfill this eternal vision. Until you embrace that divine plan for your life, your life will never make sense. You will always be struggling. When you can finally let go and believe God, life will become so simple that you won't have to wonder what you should do. You will know (49 emphasis mine).

Could this be part of the problem with CTBHHM? Last time I checked life doesn't become a one-lane highway once you become a Christian and surrender to God. As my pastor once told us - the fences that God put up (ie the Law) are really fences, and we should really stay inside of them. Once you're inside the fence though? You can go roaming around all you want. Sometimes you'll find yourself tripping over your own feet, but just because you scraped your knees doesn't mean you sinned. That's one reason it's called wisdom.

Moving on a few inches we find two very different statements sharing a paragraph. It starts by saying that regardless of the man (good, bad, or indifferent) you can have a good marriage by being a certain kind of wife. Glad to see that Mrs. Pearl has never met a thoroughly bad man who despised his wife and took all her patience and sweetness as fuel to his malignancy, or (to be less dramatic) a thoroughly worldly one who good-humoredly decided he like to trade in for an earlier model. But then she turns around with the completely true statement that we (wives) serve Christ by serving our husbands whether or not they've earned it (50). Rather odd bedfellows those two. With regards to that first statement I'm suddenly reminded of that passage in the Bible where we're told that if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave we should let them. I wonder how that would jive with Mrs. Pearl's "anything but divorce" stance?

On the opening page of chapter six I noticed that during my first reading I'd written (in good lolcat form) "I can has nuance?" Yeah, not exactly something that Mrs. Pearl does very well I don't think. Consider this statement: ""We live under a law of sowing and reaping that is a certain and unrelenting as disease and death (57)." Now recall Ecclesiastes' famous observation, "The race is not to the swift." Although God says that sowing and reaping are intrinsically linked, in Ecclesiastes God also reminds us not to be simplistic about applying this principle. Diligence is from the Lord, but it's not magic lever whereby we force Heaven to open up and bless us. Sometimes good, careful, intelligent people get their life savings wiped out or labor for years in obscure jobs. I reckon that's why it's so important for us to delight in the Lord. He's really the only thing guaranteed never to fail.

The rest of chapter six largely concerns an interesting (albeit over the top) example of a woman who was consumed with bitterness and her own willful spirituality and who eventually went stark staring mad. Considering that my mom isn't the sanest woman around (and can also be highly critical) I have to wonder whether there's a fair bit of truth to her story, but moving on...

Chapter seven is pretty much an extended (dare I say diatribe) on the dangers of divorce and absolutely miserable life a woman can expect if she dares to stand up for just about anything. To be fair I'm getting the impression at this point that Mrs. Pearl is talking about a woman who could make a husband long for his loving mistress simply by the manner in which she asks him to hang up his jacket. On this reread I was rather more impressed by her role in the "why on earth would you pay so much for meat" episode than I was before. While her husband appears thoroughly autocratic and unpleasant, Mrs. Pearl really does come off as a smug, superior housewife. I just wish the implication wasn't that it's wrong to say anything. If there's a bad way to say "Did you notice there's a cheaper option?" I'm pretty sure there's also a good way. Perhaps I'm speaking for my marriage alone, but if I respectfully ask if Allen overlooked something there's a fairly good chance that he'll thank me for pointing it out and say that he hadn't. It's just not that big a deal. Lesson from this chapter? A critical spirit can sink your marriage faster than the Lusitania. As Mrs. Pearl put it, "He practices his faults, and you practice your bitterness. You are both practicing divorce." I'd have to agree.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 1 (Thankfulness)

I'm wondering if this is going to be a pattern throughout this book - every other chapter being somewhat worth reading if it wasn't sandwiched in between so many monumental bloopers. At any rate the third chapter goes on to laud thankfulness as another beautifying and endearing trait for wives to cultivate. Mrs. Pearl wisely points out that thankfulness is largely habit and that even the most grumbling natures can practice thankfulness before God and their husbands. Since most men are driven to provide it doesn't take a savant to realize how important this can be to family peace.

The fourth chapter develops this theme by pointing out how thankfulness can end up guarding our own hearts against much frustration. I admit I don't really see the joke of having to clean up a bag of trash because your husband was showing off, but then again I probably wouldn't hide in the laundry room in order to scare him. More power to them I reckon. Her main point is that thankfulness produces a joy that makes husbands and wives joyful playmates more quick to laugh than fret. Amen. Where I lose Mrs. Pearl is when she that she has this sort of marriage because of choices that she made and that by making similar choices you can "control" what kind of marriage you have (40,42). Sounds a whole lot like backseat driving when you consider that husbands are heads of their wives.

As I read through chapter 4 I noticed some more odd theology about women (remember me questioning her ideas on single women?). There's a tiny paragraph that I think is worth quoting in full:

Because I have known such love and closeness with a man, subsequently my understanding of God and my appreciation for him are so much deeper. A relationship based on law, rules, willful humility, and formality is death. I have learned to approach God just as I approach my husband with love, joy, and delight (44).

Again, I know this is written to wives, but where does this leave all the other women? It's a no brainer that wives would experience God differently than single women, but then again farmers, navy captains, and architects also experience God differently from teachers, painters, and biologists. That's the nature of believing in a God who deals in metaphor and narrative. Certain parts of our own stories will align more or less closely with parts of God's revealed story. Speaking of which, her interpretation of Luke 7:38 baffles me. I was pretty sure that standard interpretation is that this woman was washing and anointing Christ both for his burial and in judgment of the Pharisees who condemned Him. Instead Mrs. Pearl turns it into a story of guilt over her daring to soil the feet of Jesus with her tears. One question for Mrs. Pearl - if that's the case then why does Jesus say she hadn't ceased kissing His feet? Something doesn't seem to add up here.

The next few chapters seem to be on wisdom. I'll get to them later today or tomorrow. Right now this housewife has to packing to do. We've got an ETA of 6 weeks, and things are getting busy.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 1

Since CTBHHM is divided into so many chapters and parts I can't guarantee that I'll divide my reviews up quite as logically - particularly since this promises to become more a page by page commentary than a connected set of chapter summaries and reviews.

Part 1, chapter 1 starts off rather well. She opens by reminding the reader just how much work a good marriage takes. This isn't something that just happens, and even Mr. Darcy probably has a habit of humming under his breath while paying bills that makes dearest Lizzie contemplate the decorative swords above the mantel. Yet, despite our husband's shortcomings we are called to be cheerful, willing helpers. It's not that we wouldn't perhaps do a better job ourselves, Mrs. Pearl rightly points out that such contemplations are entirely beside the point, but that it's not our job. Women are to help meets eagerly searching for new ways to bless their husbands. Amen and pass the conviction. Much as I love Allen and I can't say that I'm nearly as eager for his welfare as I should be. If Debi kept to this line of thought I'd be writing an entirely different sort of review, but even here we find troubling hints of the arguments to come. For instance, in talking about the roles of wives Debi entirely skips over any idea that women may have a separate existence. I realize this is a book written to wives and not single women, but occasionally I wonder how she feels about lovely single ladies (we all know them) who, by the grace of God, remain single (pg 23)? Consider this excerpt -"You are, by nature, equipped in every way to be your man's helper. You are inferior to none as long as you function within your created nature...You were created to make him complete, not to seek personal fulfillment parallel to him (21)." Since I'm not even sure what she means by parallel personal fulfillment I'll leave that alone, but I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this. It raises a few questions. Are single women inferior? Is it possible for women (single or widowed) to have purpose aside from men? We can charitably assume that Mrs. Pearl doesn't mean these things, but her prose makes it unclear. One could possible surmise that in her fervent defense of submissive, helper-wives Mrs. Pearl has lost sight of women's larger importance in the church. And here, "in the church," might be the crux of my issues with Mrs. Pearl - something that will become more clear when we discuss the next chapter.

Chapter two starts off with the delightful premise that more women (particularly wives) should take care to wear some of that "joy of the Lord" on the outside where it can beautify their features and enchant their husbands. This isn't something I read so often in the marriage advice genre, and it's something my husband agrees should be said more often. Cheerful, playful wives are way more attractive than doleful, long-faced ones, and the wise wife will keep this in mind while applying her lip gloss. Unfortunately the rest of this chapter slides downhill rapidly from here. After laying out her laudable "cheerful wife" principle, Mrs. Pearl goes on to apply it to a situation concerning a wife whose husband is having an emotional affair. This section has been reviewed elsewhere on the internet, so I'll try to stick with what particularly struck Allen and me. First off this big blooper: "God has provided for your husband's complete sanctification and deliverance from temptation through you, his wife (29)." Allen's remark on this statement was that it's enough to condemn the book out of hand. While God might use temporal agents (a neighbor or a parent) to share His grace, sanctification and deliverance come solely through Jesus Christ and His righteousness. A wife might be an agent of grace, but these agents of grace cannot be considered meritorious in any effective way. The credit is completely God's. Unfortunately it doesn't stop there. Debi Pearl goes on the paint a dreary picture of the indignant, condemning wife standing on her rights and vows and eventually driving her lonely husband back into his secretary's arms while she (the wife) is forced into poverty with her poor government schooled kids, having no prospects of love before except a soul crushing repetition of the same round with a man of another name. First, one can't read through this section without realizing that Debi is either projecting a whole lot or holding much of the previously quoted letter back. (For instance, nowhere does the wife's letter indicate that she's been scolding or that her husband has been lonely/excluded from sex.) Secondly, one can also clearly see just why this book is so poisonous. Mrs. Pearl says "You cannot be pitiful enough to force him to love you (30)." This is very true. If this woman wants to win her husband's love she's not going to do with mopes and accusations. However, Mrs. Pearl completely glosses over any sort of repentance of reconciliation. She goes so far as to say that waiting for repentance may lose this woman her husband completely - with all its dire implications of loneliness and poverty.

This is where we find most the poison. If Mrs. Pearl was saying "Once your husband has repented and shown a desire to be reconciled you have to give him something to he can desire. You're probably feeling very bruised right now, but even if you don't trust him (and I'm not saying you should right away) you need to be a person he can fall madly in love with again. This is going to be a whole lot harder if you wear your heart on your sleeve and look at him reproachfully over your morning eggs." Nope, Mrs. Pearl jumps right over repentance and tells the wife to dive into direct competition with the office hussy to win her husband back. There are so many problems with this. First off, Mrs. Pearl never suggests the wife get a pastor/higher authority involved. Second, the husband receives absolutely no accountability or an attempt to bring him back into right relationship with God. Third, the wife is demeaning herself (and her wedding vows) by acting as if a legitimate competition over his affections existed. Fourth, Mrs. Pearl is assuming that this husband won't take his wife's acquiescence as license to do whatever he wants since his wife is too desperate or dumb to care/notice. Fifth, the implication is husbands get smiles, sex, and blushes because they may go off the rails if they don't, but women get these things because they've worked hard to earn every single one. If this isn't the oddest conception of marriage I don't know what is. I'm pretty darn sure that I didn't earn all my husband's affection, and yet I'm also pretty sure that Allen has earned quite a bit of mine through his patient, tender care.

Hopefully you can see the problems. Taken alone many of Debi Pearl's statements have merit. Men aren't won by critical wives. They do love cheerful appreciation. Standing for your marriage vows might end with your husband packing his bags. The problem is when you put all together and end up with wives acting like their husband's are always in the sexual marketplace - not because a wise wife will see her husband's sexual needs met, but because he literally might be searching the sexual marketplace at any time. At that point what difference is there between Christian wives and Park Avenue trophy wives? Less alimony I suppose. I believe the whole point of this is found in this statement: "Recognize that you are at war for the preservation of God's most noble institution on earth -the family (30)." Unfortunately this simply isn't true. God's family (The Church) trumps all earthly families. It is to the Church that we owe our most basic loyalties. Don't believe me? Consider how Christ said that He came to bring not peace but a sword and went on to list how basic family structures would be torn apart as some answered and some resisted the call of Christ. Divorce is a bad thing, but breaking up a family isn't the worst thing. Even excommunication (roughly equivalent to divorce from the church) is supposed to be part of a larger call back to repentance and fellowship. Unfortunately Mrs. Pearl doesn't see this, and without the church there really is very little she can recommend a wife do besides order a new garter belt and try again.

Created to be His Help Meet : a probably biased review

Once more into the breach as they say. I'm really bad at finishing book reviews, but this is one that's been simmering for over a year. I first read CTBHHM when my future sister-in-law mentioned that she was reading it. To be very honest, when I heard that I felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't read the book yet, but I'd heard enough to make me doubt whether this book could help anyone - particularly someone whose own experience with marriage (second-hand) hadn't been the best. So in the hopes of having a long chat over coffee I ordered myself a copy and read it. That chat never really happened. My sister-in-law, while being a lovely person, is a true introvert, and with living cross country I haven't had the time and opportunity to invest in our relationship. So if you, my quiet blog reader, wouldn't mind, I'd like to have that chat now. I warn you ahead of time that I'm not disposed to like this book and talk dispassionately about all the good things you can take away from it. I'm more concerned with the pitfalls and dangerous advice that permeate this book. That's not to say that there aren't good points in this book. There are - I just feel the bad far outweighs the good.


I have to say this book starts out with a huge howler. Debi Pearl had been meaning to catch the preacher for something like seven years - this is the fellow so high strung sexually that he wouldn't even shake hands with the little old ladies in his congregation*. Naturally, Debi drops a hint along the lines of "Someday I'd like to give you a little boy (p14)." Admittedly this after said pastor made the roaring indiscretion of holding her hand during a prayer meeting, so perhaps there were extenuating circumstances. Anyway, they get married. And, from this book's perspective, that's when the real fun started. Having admitted just a few pages later that she once threw rocks at her husband I wonder if perhaps that's not a key to understanding this book. If you're the kind of woman who's so very highly strung (think Kate from The Taming of the Shrew) that you make everyone around dance attendance and then fault them on their footwork you might very well need a book like this to shake you till your teeth start dancing in time to the tune you've been playing for everyone else. Most of us though, don't throw rocks at our husbands. (In fact I'm rather sure that too few of us are throwing pillows and that the lack of busted pillows needing to be replaced is a factor in our sluggish economy.) Anyway, all this to say that I will at the front concede that there are probably women of monumental tempers who need lecture quite this stern to get them down to normal levels. For the rest of us though, I find Mrs. Pearl's advice highly problematic, but we'll get into that when we move on to Part 1 of CTBHHM.




*You know there are some forms sexual discretion that are nearly as creepy as open leering. Refusing a simple handclasp with a woman old enough to be your grandmother because of heaven's knows what temptations is really high on that list.