And the diagnosis was....

Well, that was a longer blogging hiatus than expected :( Basically, as soon as the sleepies started going away life kicked into high gear getting ready for out of town guests. On the plus side though I have a perfectly ducky little guest bedroom now! It took lots of thrift store hunting and a few coats of paint, but I got it all put together in two rather long weeks of painting furniture at 11pm. It's now one of my favorite rooms in the house - lots of blues and greys to calm down the multicolored chaos in the rest of my house with little pops of orange and purple just to remind people that this is my house after all :) What can I say? I loves the colors.

Anyway, my doc said my fatigue should go away in 18-20 years or once the kid heads off to college. Yep, I'm pregnant! Need to post a picture soon, but not having a scanner makes that a little harder. Anyway, I'm at 20ish weeks and muddling along. And with that said I've got a chiro appointment and better be getting along. Hopefully blogging hiatus will be over. Hopefully.

how marriage and food bloggers are alike

(I'm sort of forcing myself to post this because apparently I'm existing in a brain fog. Doctor said it should clear up in another month though. In the mean time I do sort of really hate that this fatigue set in right after I decided to make a public commitment to blogging more. Way to save face there, Natalie.)


Ok, so why are marriage blogger and food bloggers alike? Because a lot of them post based not on what is normal but on what is abnormal. And even if they're supposedly writing about what is "normal" (marriage bloggers) they often come out of abnormal contexts. Let me give you an analogy. What does a healthy person eat? A healthy person eats ice cream and carrot sticks and pizza and salad and bagels with jam and grilled salmon and occasionally washes everything down with an ice cold root beer. If you're absolutely aghast at what I'm writing then I invite you think hard about your own life. Why do you eat healthy? Because at some point you felt really lousy and decided to change your diet. You were unhealthy. If you're still not getting it, let me further point out that, based on what I see around the internet, most people who are switching over to a "healthy" diet aren't doing it because they were eating a steady diet of cheetos and twinkies. They ate a perfectly normal diet that sustains hundreds and thousands of perfectly normal people. Who is the healthier person? A person who can eat a hamburger and fries without feeling like they're about to die or the person who ends up curled up in a bed a week later?

Now, because this is the internet and people assume things, let me hasten to add that not all hamburgers are made alike and not all diets are made alike. On the other hand, a Five Guys burger shouldn't actually make you wish you were dead. Go ahead make your own burgers from grass fed beef and freshly milled flour - sure it's going to be healthier and quite possibly tastier. Go ahead and eat plenty of veggies because they're so good for you. I'm totally in favor of that. Just understand that when your body really is strong and healthy and whole it doesn't require a whole lot of catering to in terms of allergies and sensitives and things like that. It can handle it.

So on to marriage bloggers. I'm thinking about a few blogs I know of either through reading them regularly or the contributions of their authors in other contexts. Most of them are written by people from rather dysfunctional backgrounds. These are people who experienced, either first or second hand, (ie through their spouses) promiscuity, infidelity, addiction, etc. The Driscolls would be another fairly high profile case (of Mars Hill Seattle fame). I don't have any particular insight here, but it does make me curious about the prevalence of dysfunctional people turning around and teaching others about marriage. Perhaps since so much marriage is dysfunctional now that's exactly what we need? Perhaps people who have seen abnormal can teach us more about normal? Is it possible that a couple who married young and made it work with minimal fuss for fifty years really can't articulate what made their marriage so strong?

Ok, that last thing sounds suspect to me. Like I said, I don't really have anything insightful to say here. It just struck me as odd that we take health advice from a blogger with a list of allergies longer than my grocery list for the week and we take marriage advice from men/women who were promiscuous growing up or who slept around for the first ten years of their marriage and yet now consider themselves very, very capable of pointing out just how wrong other people are. And sometimes they really do have valuable insights. I get this. On the other hand, there are some wounds you really only grow around and not over. Like a tree shaped by a boulder or the wind, the impress is still there, and I occasionally wonder if a person from a normal background and a normal marriage would see the same issues and if not does that tell us more about marriage in general or about the people critiquing it?

If I can try to bring this home - God uses wounded people. This is one of my chief comforts in life. Sometimes though, I wonder if maybe we're ignoring the ordinary stories. Why aren't we learning more from the altogether functional family of six that honestly does get along pretty well? Why not take a little health advice from the 75 year old cake lady at church?

I don't know. You tell me.

The trouble with telling stories

In the past year I've had several people point out that they way I think about things is both my blessing and my curse. On one hand I spend a lot of time mulling things over. I want to know how things work and how they fit into my life and how I should respond to them. Mine is not the unexamined life. I might not be living every day as I wish, but I'm certainly thinking about it. Practically this means I rarely stop wrestling with an idea once I get a hold of it. This is great when I'm thinking about last Sunday's sermon and not so great when I'm frustrated over some interaction I had on the internet. I struggle with "moving on."

One of my most persistent mental frameworks involves narrative.Whether we're talking about a character in a novel or a political idea I tend to spend a fair bit of time thinking about where it came from and how it got there and where does it think it's going. That's also describes much of how I think about my life. I want to know what story is being told and whether or not I'm running in the right directions with the plot lines I've been given. Sometimes I get frustrated or even angry that so little of my own story is under my own control. For instance, I've become convinced that stress contributes a great deal to our physical health. While not even 30 I was diagnosed with an (mild, easily treatable) autoimmune disorder. There's also a few other potentially annoying/non-lethal health issues in the offing. It's so easy to be mad that I was born into a pretty stressful family and seem to have had the cards stacked against me. But then I think, "Who am I to have the cards stacked in my favor?" And I get upset at myself for being mad and not moving on with my life and keeping these extra stressful emotions around. I'm honest enough with myself to realize that there's no real reason why I deserve to have better circumstances and to realize that for all the frustrating bits I do have quite a bit for which to be grateful. I'm not writing this to whine about my life. That wouldn't be square or accurate.

My problem is that I keep trying to understand my story in ways that aren't particularly helpful. For instance, there are those prophets in the Old Testament whom God called to burn their lives out in ministry for him. Sounds pretty awesome and noble. Except that for some of them they maybe got one convert. Whole life in ministry, and it bombed. For one in particular, (Jeremiah?) God told him upfront it was going to bomb. Of course nowadays people aren't allowed to have stories like that. They tell him to pray circles or chant Jabez or cast vision or whatever. It's can't be that God called him to be an absolute failure in front of his congregation. Not a story I like either, but it's there in the Bible and can't be ignored when you're studying for plot cues no matter what the Christian "self help" section tries to tell you. Come to think of it, there aren't many people in the Bible who had very nice or successful lives. Most of them had a mountain of trouble at some point or another. Anyway, the point is that I keep trying to read ahead. Only it's my life, and in that case reading ahead is called worrying. It's just super easy to think "well if I was writing this story this right here is where I'd put the life changing tragedy" or "just to reinforce the parallels between her life and her mother's life lets drop this event in now." You know those people who say, "If this was a musical people would be singing and dancing down the street right now?" I'm sort of like that except with me it's more like "and this would be perfect spot to put something bad/scary/challenging and therefore turn this into a bittersweet, nostalgic moment." Then I'll turn around and decide that narrative logic demands something awesome happen right now. It's just too cheesy not to work. And most of the time it doesn't.

So now I'm bumping up against an issue that could possibly be something and most likely is nothing, but I won't know until I check. Despite knowing this my brain is scrambling for reassurances. I'm peering at my story looking for clues that everything works out great and we end up with four children, a dog, and summer vacations on the coast of Georgia. I end up sitting here tensely trying to anticipate and deal with every single possible outcome when I know that God really just wants me to trust Him. That's the burden my incessant thinking puts on me. I know too much and have experienced too little of it. I know that God loves me, and I know that God loved the martyrs of Rome. So why am I worried about a little unpleasantness when I'm not facing the lions tomorrow. And yet God who loved them sent them to the lions. It's utterly terrifying. It might make more sense to adults who grew up in a more consistently loving home, but for me it means that God just throws the dice. I once had someone tell me, no matter who, that I deserved a short, miserable life. This person had also claimed at various times to love me. That's what I mean by throwing the dice. The Bible says that from the same mouth you can't get blessing and cursing. I've no intention of calling God a liar, but I do wish He could explain what I heard.

In the past I've been encouraged to try and formulate what I want - to give voice to my desires so that I can identify and deal with them. In this case, I think I just want to know that the good stuff in my life really was on purpose to bless and encourage and help me. I want to know that God, like the good father, delights in giving me good things and that He does it on purpose. I'm pretty resilient. At the end of the day I can more or less handle things in a somewhat faithful manner. I've taken enough kicks in my life that one more probably isn't going to finish me. What rattles me are the moments when I'm convinced that God loves me and desires my well being even if things are hard. Those moments are rather less often than I wish. I crave that sort of experiential certainty that God is good to me and will walk with me through everything and doesn't just send experiences my way willy-nilly like a vacationer throwing darts at an atlas. I don't think it would make me stop thinking, but it would give me more peace in contemplation.

food theology

Lately I've been getting increasingly frustrated with all the food hoopla that's been going around on the internet - largely of the "Don't eat x" crowd with "x" increasingly coming to mean sugar, flour, dairy, coffee, alcohol - basically all the stuff that makes eating fun. Now I've read the blogs, and I know that most people would jump on here telling me how much better they feel and how they really don't miss whatever it is I'm not supposed to be eating and that if they do miss it they just remember the days when they couldn't leap tall buildings and bench press cars and tell me that it's all worth it. The problem is that I don't buy it. That is to say, I don't buy the philosophy that seems to be behind it. A lot of it seems to be driven by speculative forms of evolutionary biology and theories about so called primitive man and doesn't take into account some of the Bible's rather clear teachings on food. For instance, you'll find a whole group of people who will tell you (loudly) that gluten/wheat/grains are bad for you, and I have absolutely no doubt that for some people they are extremely harmful. However, when Christ instituted the Lord's Supper He did it with a baked product made (to the best of my knowledge) from some type of ground grains. Throughout the Bible bread is a powerful image of comfort and provision. God could have chose root vegetables or goat cheese or various other images, but He chooses to tell us about salvation with bread. So, I can't reject bread out of hand. Even if I got to a point where it seemed wise to avoid grains altogether I would have to admit that the problem is with my body and not with the bread. Ditto for things like wine. People who argue for this or that sort of diet (particularly Christians) point out that we have a duty to care for our bodies and keep them in good running order - Christians trot out that old verse about our body being a temple to justify any number of strange eating habits. And yet, few of them consider passages like Colossians 2:16 in which the Church is warned against people who judge other based on what they eat or another passage in Timothy 4 where God talks about the food He's made to be received with thanksgiving. Now I don't want to get simplistic here. Clearly there are some things we shouldn't be eating every day. There are other things we should only be ingesting after careful consideration and for clearly defined reasons (such as prescribed drugs of various kinds). This isn't carte blanche to go and be stupid about a mushroom patch in the woods. There's a whole lot of wisdom to be applied here. What I dislike are the repeated statements about how God designed people to eat as though God handed Eve a poached egg topped with grated carrots and told her to have fun. So maybe Adam and Eve didn't enjoy dark chocolate stout or a creme brulee after their pasta primavera. They also didn't have orthotic footwear, refrigeration, and paved roads. When Adam and Eve set out to cultivate the world I think there's an implied call to growth and maturity that wasn't confined solely to things like architecture and metal working. In fact, I think things like whiskey and soda and pumpernickel bread and chocolate chip cookies are part of that maturation process since they all result from exploring and probing God's creation to get all the goodness out of it that we can. The person who makes chocolate chip cookies takes God's bounty and through grace is allowed to transform that bounty into something even more desirable. It's the same way with babies and iron ore and sheep's wool. God gives us something and gives us the chance to transform it. It's a beautiful thing. That's why it irks me whenever I hear talk about what we were "designed" to eat or how we "evolved" on a certain diet and need to stick with it. We were designed to explore God's creation and shepherd it and transform it against Christ's return. This means, among other things, not acting as though the earth was a library book we had to return in the same condition it was issued.

Finally a purpose for writing

Before life took another of it's little nose dives I was going to see a trainer/therapist at the recommendation of my chiropractor. At his (the trainer's) recommendation I finally ordered a book written by a certain fitness/health/guru, but when I went to start reading it I just couldn't. I couldn't take one more microscopic examination of my eating habits, my energy levels, my self-awareness, my my my my goodness everlasting my. I'm naturally a selfish and indolent person who'd rather read than clean and talk than listen, but even slugs have a breaking point. Everywhere I turn I'm faced with another voice asking me to consider my motivations, my interests, my level of self acceptance or self loathing. The whole world has become a mirror for my paltry humanity, and I've stared into it until I can no longer recognize myself. Standing on a ridge in the Olympic mountains I can indulge in the self-pity of not being there on a better day with more energy for exploring and less emotional fatigue. If that isn't blinkingly sinful myopia I'm not sure what is. Creation declares the glory of God, and the loudest voice I hear is my own grumbling.

So, here's the deal. I'm sure I'll write about all sorts of inconsequential things on this blog. You'll hear about my Christmas ornaments (or lack thereof) and the bread I made and that funny thing I did one Saturday, but I want the meat of this blog - my purpose for writing - to be in gazing outwards steadily at some thing and attempting to see it as it really is. I'm thinking particularly of the 6th resolution from John Pipers 10 Resolutions for Mental Health which says:

I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying and ecstatic" existence.

Some of what I write might sound a bit odd or out of range. I don't promise not to write a persuasive essay on the glories of my potato masher. I just feel that I've lived too long inside myself. In another of Piper's essays he said that beholding was becoming. If I behold myself constantly and insistently then what hope is there for me? I know pretty well how much actual good lies within my own power. But, if I can even rarely, behold even the humblest item which God has give me and know that I have seen God's hand then perhaps there is hope.

There you have, the new purpose of my blog and written out at midnight on a Wednesday. I happen to think it's a decent one for all that.

God give me grace.

Flax Seed is my new friend

Recently I've started adding flax seed to my fruit smoothies, and I think it's really improving my focus and energy levels. Yesterday I spent the whole day cooking giant batches of everything to share with some friends of ours who have twin babies and recently moved. When I was done we had some lovely pot roast, zucchini bread, garlicy rosemary dinner rolls made with fresh ground flour (love my vitamix so much!), and two chicken pot pies made with homemade stock, and I didn't crash once. Yeah the kitchen still isn't back together, but with my history of depression, low energy, and poor focus I felt really good about what I accomplished. Taking my supplements regularly is a huge part of all that, but I'm also thinking that the extra omega-3s and antioxidants are helping. That's brain food right there.

In case you're wondering what I put in my smoothies here's my basic formula:

1 scoop whey protein powder (got to have protein!)
1 scoop fiber blend (helps slow sugar absorption and keeps me feeling good)
1 scoop green food mix (pick your favorite powdered greens supplement)
1/2 frozen banana (makes it sweet and creamy)
small handful whole flax seed (a genuine super food)
1T cocoanut oil (If you don't like nut oils then leave it out. All I can say is that my cholesterol is just fine, and I haven't gained any weight on it.)

From there I add whatever sounds good at the moment. Peach Mango Strawberry is great, and I really like making an all berry blend with a bit of pineapple. I top it off with kefir and orange juice, but yoghurt and any other fruit juice on hand will work. I've used carrot juice in the past occasionally with good results. If you have any blood sugar issues a bit of cinnamon will help even things out.

I know that sounds like a whole lot for one meal, but I keep everything by the blender and can put together lunch in 5 minutes max. Plus, it really does taste great. Just make sure you pick a fiber that doesn't have an offensive taste. Slippery Elm powder, for instance, can be pretty nasty. Apple pectin and psyllium hulls do much better. Once you drink a class of this you've gotten in good oils, probiotics, your fruit for the day, fiber, and gotten a start on your leafy greens. Did I mention that it's also taken care of my ice-cream cravings? Not bad for lunch :)