Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Obey your husband)

I actually think this going to be a short review. There's just two chapters after this one, and then I'll post a few closing remarks. Getting this review up has been like watching glaciers head down a mountain, but eventually they reach the sea :)

Ok, so maybe I'm getting tired, but this chapter seems fairly straight forward in a "well this is just how Debi Pearl is" sort of way. I did a bit of reading in Strong's Concordance on the word she translates "obey" and it appears that the King Jame's Version perhaps does a bit of disservice at this point. Basically, it's the same word used in Eph 5:21 which goes, "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." In this case a common sense understanding of "submit" rejects the idea that Paul is telling Christians to obey each other. Instead it makes sense to understand "submit" as deferring to one another and to subject one's own wishes to the needs and desires of others. The word pretty clearly does mean "obey" in other contexts such as in Romans 8:7, but it always seems to have the larger meaning of being subject to authority. Strong's Concordance says:

This word was a Greek military term meaning "to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader". In non-military use, it was "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden".

I'm not an egalitarian when it comes to life and especially not in marriage. I do believe the husband is clearly and firmly the wife's head or authority. I also think that for those few women out there who believe it's their duty to obey their husband no matter what he says (there are some out there, and their list of exceptions is frighteningly small) it would be helpful to understand that this word doesn't mean absolute, unquestioning obedience and that it's most basic meaning centers more around being in line with your hierarchy and deferring to or cooperating with one's husband/government official/fellow congregant/etc.  Mrs. Pearl does have her exceptions (next chapter), but since I did the background checking I thought I'd go ahead and put it out here for y'all to see.

That aside, the vast majority of this chapter is actually pretty good in a pragmatic sort of way. Her advice generally amounts to "Make the best of it, and don't antagonize the man." Many of the women she writes about are in bad marriages, and she rightly points out that the Bible (and human nature) tells us that we'll never win a husband to Christ by nagging, pushing, scolding, or complaining. Men don't like being told they're wrong or being nagged or scolded, and being met at the door with a fresh litany of complaints every evening is a great encouragement for them to leave or shout at you or in general NOT become the spangly bright Nice Christian Man you wish he was. The Bible tells us that cheerful submission and a generally quiet demeanor are much better for winning one's husband. Any man on the street can tell you this as well. I disagree slightly that acting in this way will increase our husband's esteem among his peers. I suppose it depends on who his peers are though. Allen once heard a man he knew publicly diss his wife about something minor, and our evening with them was essentially over after that. He did not care to be in the presence of a man who acted that way. On the other hand, if a guy only hangs around a bunch of slubs his friends might think he's hot stuff for being able to keep such an awesome wife around. It's something of a mixed bag and fairly neutral from my perspective. A man might be won by being perceived as better than he is and trying to live up to it - wanting to be the man his wife thinks he is - or by seeing reflected back from his peers a conviction that he should be repenting and stepping up to become a decent husband. I could go either way I think.

On the other side of this, Mrs. Pearl counsels women not to step out in some sort of superior obedience apart from their husbands in areas like birth control. There was a woman who married a husband knowing that he only wanted two children. Then she "heard from God" and decided to have more children. By her sixth her husband had warned her that if she got pregnant again he was leaving. She did, and he did. Now obviously the husband should and could have done something about this, but I can imagine how he would feel as a husband watching his wife walk her own way in defiance of his wishes. He gives her four more chances to listen to him. By the fifth "extra" pregnancy he's decided that she doesn't give a darn for him. All he's good for is a pay check to feed all the babies she's popping out. So he leaves. And she's left high and dry. As Mrs. Pearl points out, you follow your own way at your own peril. Obviously I feel this is an area that requires judgement and not just knee jerk reactions, and Mrs. Pearl gets into that (with mixed results) in the next chapter.

I had two major "Oh no she didn't!" moments this whole chapter. The first came when she said that she has no authority higher than her husband - specifically referring to pastors. I need to do some more research on this, but in our church we take vows that we will submit ourselves to the authority of the church. That means I'm not just subject to Allen but also to our pastor. Obviously there are spheres of authority. I wouldn't necessarily buy a car because he told me to (although I did once buy a pair of boots he told me looked awesome when I ran into him at the shoe store in the mall), but I'm obligated to listen to him if he tells me I'm treating Allen wrong or are sinning in some fashion or damaging my witness. He's my authority in spiritual matters, and I'm daily grateful our church has someone like him. Although Mrs. Pearl's position isn't unknown in the Christian world I do think it's highly damaging. When a husband goes wrong there's no one with authority to rebuke him. Unless he's committing a crime there's no one "higher up the ladder" to whom she can appeal for redress of her grievances. That leaves wives utterly stranded in their marriages with little recourse but to take advice from people like Mrs. Pearl.

The second bit that sort of raised by eyebrows concerned "making an appeal." My first thought was "I have to get permission for my husband to take me seriously? What kind of marriage is this?" Then Allen pointed out that since Mrs. Pearl seems like the dramatic type it's entirely likely that she and her husband needed a way to talk that cut through her over the top personality and brought them down to facts. There are actually times when Allen and I need to signal "Hey, listen to me. This is really important." because, while not being a drama queen, I do like to chit chat about whatever I'm thinking about at the moment. Sometimes it's interesting stuff that Allen and I get into together, and sometimes I'm babbling about Christmas lights and throw pillows and whether or not we should plant a new pine tree in the backyard. It's not always obvious what stuff really matters to me and what is just running through my mouth. So I guess I'll pass on that point. I still think how she views the appeal making process (calling it a "liberty" - sounds like something you give your kids when they finish their homework on time), but overall it probably says more about her personality than how women in general can and should relate to their husbands.

Ok, almost done! I have to admit, I'm ready to get some other content up so that "Created to be His Help Meet" isn't the first thing I see when I open my blog.

Created to be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Home minded, good women)

Once again I'm putting two chapters together because honestly this far into the book many of the pages start running together. Mrs. Pearl receives a letter from someone. She tends to react somewhat harshly or histrionically to something she can't possibly know based on the letter as given. Somewhere amid the wild over-generalizations and bad exegesis she throws in some rather good pragmatic advice for dealing with recalcitrant husbands. Rinse and repeat. It's tempting to throw in the towel since I really do feel that I've amply shown why any sane woman should avoid this book like she'd avoid a blind taxi driver. But, I still keep finding bits I think are worth refuting. Also, every once in a while it just feels good to finish what you start.

In "Keepers at Home" Mrs. Pearl goes over why she feels its so important for women (especially mothers) to be physically and mentally present in the home. It's a laudable goal so far as it goes. I think in our modern, slap dash, scattered to the four winds kind of culture a woman who clearly makes her home a priority can be a lovely, unshakeable beacon for the weary and restless. I see the modern design trend for reclaimed wood and distressed furniture as a nostalgia for some mythical age where life was more solid and grounded. Our own histories are so often broken and jumbled, but we can rave over the patina on an old sideboard and reminisce about the past we wish we had - strong grandfathers and merry grandmothers and rows of pies set out for Thanksgiving and platters of fried chicken in the summers when our parents were young and our whole world was limitless as a fairy tale and we reveled in the innocent immortality of children. At our dream's heart are women with twinkling eyes, strong hands, and tender hearts whose home overflowed with the burgeoning joy of giving, creating, and loving. These are the story book mothers, and insofar as Debi Pearl teaches that sort of womanhood I'll stand aside and cheer. Instead, women get a load of fear and guilt that must surely cripple any heart felt joy in homemaking.

Opening this chapter, Mrs. Pearl relates the story of a missionary wife whose child was molested while the mother was briefly assisting in some ministering capacity. She strongly implies that the mother committed blasphemy by leaving her child those few moments and that this was the natural consequence. Let that sink in for a moment. A missionary couple, particularly the mom, left their child (unattended or not it doesn't say) for a few minutes and came back to discover their child was being/had been molested. And it's the mother's fault. There really are no words for such hateful lunacy. Unless Mrs. Pearl is holding back that these parents left their child with strangers whom they barely knew and had no reason to trust there really is no reason to blame this mom for recklessly abandoning her post. But in Mrs. Pearl's world there is no room for grace. You get what you sow, and if you don't like what you've got then you must have done some bad sowing in there somewhere. To continue the guilt she furthermore states that God will never make you choose between obeying Him and obeying your husband. If you have the right attitude towards God and your husband then everything will work out. How do you know if you've got the right attitude? Because things worked out. You see where this is going. Good things happen to good people. Tell that one to Job.

The rest of the chapter is basically a footnote on how using the phone and social media can be modern ways of "wandering about from house to house" and that keeping your home involves more than being physically present in it. She also contains a brief note on hospitality. Considering that I believe this one way women can really shine (see above) I wish she'd spent more time here.

The next chapter focuses on what it means to be "good." On a very practical level there's a lot to like here. Good women are indeed thrifty, industrious, compassionate, intelligent, wise, and respectful of their fathers/husbands/appropriate male authority. A good woman married to an ornery man will be wise to make the most of it and not expose their family to ridicule insofar as she is able. As I write this I recall that Jane Austen wrote an almost perfect description of what I mean:

His good looks and his rank had one fair claim on his attachment; since to them he must have owed a wife of very superior character to any thing deserved by his own. Lady Elliot had been an excellent woman, sensible and amiable; whose judgement and conduct, if they might be pardoned the youthful infatuation which made her Lady Elliot, had never required indulgence afterwards.--She had humoured, or softened, or concealed his failings, and promoted his real respectability for seventeen years; and though not the very happiest being in the world herself, had found enough in her duties, her friends, and her children, to attach her to life, and make it no matter of indifference to her when she was called on to quit them. (Persuasion)

A sensible woman in a difficult situation, who wants to live in relative peace, should deal wisely and discreetly with her husband's faults. I don't necessarily believe that it will make her husband act more kindly towards her, and I don't believe that she should conceal what others really do have a right to know. It's one thing to gloss over your husband's boorish behavior or obnoxious arrogance and another thing to see him take the office of elder when you know for a fact that he visits strip clubs while on business trips. A smart wife picks her battles and realizes there are probably fewer of them than her emotions think. It's not an assessment the Pearl's would like, but that's ok with me. 

According the Mrs. Pearl the opposite of a good woman is a "Dumb Cluck" (218).  How do you know if you're a dumb cluck? It just means you aren't an herb administering, do it yourself, improving book reading kind of woman. Honestly. The top three questions are about alternative vs conventional medicine. I land somewhere on the alternative medicine spectrum myself, but I also go see an endocrinologist and an ob/gyn and avoid judging people who pursue conventional medicine in good faith. The context of this "Dumb-Cluck Test" being a woman who is frustrated that her husband doesn't ever fix up or care for his own home and family but always has time for some poor widow lady. As Allen said, the issue isn't the issue. The question the woman was really asking is "Why doesn't my husband invest in our lives more," but in her answer Mrs. Pearl treats this woman as though she was spending her afternoons with her feet up reading a book instead of getting in there and helping out. That might be the case. The important fact is that we don't know this. Her husband might have already tried to fix the sink and failed. He might have told her to call a plumber, but she refuses because she's decided not to spend the money and is taking her decision out on him. He might actually be a deadbeat who enjoys the thrill of being a hero to some poor widow but can't be bothered to serve people who've heard him belch at the dinner table. We don't know. Practically speaking, if her husband really refuses to help her then she really does need to figure out a way to fix things either herself or perhaps with her father or brother's help, but to say a woman is stupid and lazy because she has a messy yard, a leaky sink, and busted screen door is harsh and judgmental. Again, there is no grace for you.

I'll close with a few words about this quote from chapter twenty-two: "Although a good woman can lift up a poor husband, a good man cannot make up for the deficits of a poor wife and create a family with a good reputation. A man married to such a wife usually becomes a hopeless loser, no matter how hard he tries to win" (216). In general terms there's some truth to this. A good woman can help promote her husband's "real respectability," whereas a bad woman will bring shame on her husband. Is this because the wife saves the husband and not visa versa? It almost looks that way, but I think it's something even more fundamental. Even today, if only in a nominal capacity, a husband is presumed to have some real authority over his wife's behavior (ie "Why can't he keep her in line?"), but a wife has no such presumption of authority (ie "Poor woman, it's a hard life with his kind.").  However, when Mrs. Pearl says that a man "cannot" make up for his folly of a wife she expressly denies his ability to guide, instruct, and exert an appropriate measure of authority over his wife's actions. True, people will judge him differently than were the situation reversed, but that's merely an affirmation of his leadership and not an abrogation of it.

The next chapter is on obeying one's husband. Oh boy.

You can be too humble

In my rambling across the blogsphere I came across Haley's Halo. She falls in line with a lot of generally conservative blogs except that she blogs more about things from a "Game" perspective. (Short, possibly inaccurate version - Game is a theory/practice whereby men are able to project/accrue status in a way that attracts and retains a higher class of mate(s) and avoids "nice guy syndrome.") Anyway, it's not something I see a whole lot of women writing about, so I was curious. Well, she's come across some real gems - one of which being this post on the trend of men (particularly Christian men) acting absolutely amazing that their wives manage to put up with their sorry backsides. It's rather silly how much they go on about how they don't deserve these women and how they'd be a complete mess without them ad infinitum. It sounds all humble and servant-y and sacrificial when in reality it's just a bunch of guys running themselves down in front of the women are supposed to be respecting, following, and looking up to them. To which the guys might respond "Well, she knows all the bad stuff anyway." Sure she does, and the expectation is that she'll continue to deal with the junk and find a way to respect and love you through that just as you're expected to deal with her junk while still loving and honoring her. If you're running yourself down all the time it sets up two scenarios. First, you're just looking for her to come right back and tell you how wonderful and caring and inspiring you are and how actually she's the one who doesn't deserve just a crazy awesome spouse. Secondly, you really do think she's displaying extraordinary perseverance in the face of your glaring faults. If the first is true you're resorting to jr high levels of interpersonal manipulation and neediness, and if the second is true you're giving her the idea that your bad stuff is special and she does deserve special credit for putting up with you and that if she was with another man she wouldn't have to put up with all this junk because, as you've said all along, she really deserves a man who will treat her better and not put her through the rigors of his imperfectly sanctified humor. The first thing is annoying, but the second thing is toxic because there's a good chance that if you tell a woman this long enough she'll come to believe you. Oops! Now instead of being ingratiatingly humble you're being berated or sighed at for stuff that just happens in marriage - like not being able to read her mind and spontaneously bringing home pizza for dinner one night when she spent all day making lasagna. I know what I'm talking about guys - if you tell your wife often enough how bad you are at something she'll start to believe you. Instead, give her reasons to respect you. Talk about something you accomplished at work. Explain why some politician/theologian/mechanic is completely up a tree on some issue and what they should be doing differently. Look for chances to flex your integrity muscles and help your wife grow in character and righteousness. Fill up her respect tank so that when you do come home feeling utterly defeated and disparaged your wife can dish it right back out to you. (And by which I don't mean that wifely respect should be conditional - it's just that it's easier to respect a man when has respect for himself.)

Along those lines I'd like to share one of the most honest love songs on the air today.

A rant - on men and marriage and blogs without comment moderation

I've tried to keep this post tame, but you might not want your kid reading every single word.


Over the past few months (year?) I've done my fair share of rambling through the world of manosphere/Game/anti-feminist/marriage oriented blogs. And it's depressing. Like really depressing. I realize that our no-fault-take-the-kids-and-all-his-money divorce system is also really depressing, but this other stuff is also bad? Why? (Now remember this is a rant ie not a carefully thought out series of syllogisms). Because it's patronizing. And whiny. And vicious. And contains about at much logic as the ocean contains longleaf pines. On one hand the guys have a point - marriage in America is messed up, but it goes beyond that. From elementary school onwards men are increasingly pushed into ways of thinking and acting that come easier to girls - in skills ranging from fine motor skills in kindergarten to collaborative thinking in offices to "sharing" at the church's men's group. It's hard being a rough and tumble boy in this sociological climate. Heck, it's hard being a quiet, studious, won't take guff from anyone kind of boy. Unless you're into "feelings" and telling women what they want to hear it's hard to fit in anywhere. So we get the manosphere/men's rights movement. And I'm not just rolling my eyes. For one of my philosophy classes I elected to report on The Myth of Male Power. Not exactly a feminist screed. And what I read really amazed me and changed the way I felt about men in general. I didn't realize that in many ways sex discrimination had swung so far over as to actually discriminate against men - particularly with regards to the law. But the way the author is this book reacted against it was all wrong. The way most men react to this reality is all wrong. Instead of "manning up," a phrase they hate, they do a whole lot of whining about how this b*^&% left them with no clue and took everything. They whine about the pastors who shame men and praise women. They whine about the women who won't sleep with them, and then they whine they can't find some little virgin to have their babies. If a girl disagrees with them they just refer to her menstrual cycle or compare her brains to rodent wheel. When a girl does kiss up to them they accept her contributions as fitting tributes to their maleness. Then they whine some more when a woman says that women can divorce for reasons beyond "And I caught him bed with that whore when I came home late one day after driving all over town to find his favorite brand of car wax!" Just because your last wife accused you of "emotional cruelty" doesn't mean that your neighbor's wife didn't actually experience it! Now who's arguing based on their emotions? Really?

And for the record I really don't think men suck. I do think they should in general behave in a more assertive/less PC gentle manner than they currently do, but I don't think men suck. I just think men are capable of a whole lot more than finger-pointing and blaming. If you hate the church you're attending you could talk with the pastor, start a group for men to discuss issues pertinent to them, or even decide to join the pastorate yourself and start a church that is able to value men and women without devaluing either one. If your wife drags you to a counselor who plays the "mean man" card then calmly but firmly tell your wife that you won't be coming back (or paying for her to go back) until you find a counselor who is able to respect both your roles. If you haven't been having sex for months don't be surprised when she divorces you! You should have been talking about this after 7-10 days! Of course her reasons for leaving you are BS! She's probably fighting the real reasons tooth and nail. You've got a couple of options. Listen to her rail at you and then go whine to your blogfriends, or ask her what's really going on and keep working at it until you figure it out. Any savvy counselor knows that the reason most likely isn't the reason. Here's a question. Ask what's got her so scared. If things have been rocky she might be scared you don't care if she leaves, so maybe she's going to test the waters. Maybe no one ever told her that women can be attracted to multiple men and therefore she's scared she made a mistake (or that she's going to make a mistake). Whatever you do, don't just stand there. Unless of course you're a radical egalitarian and don't believe that men have ecclesiastical or paternal headship. In which case you should probably just go back to your man cave and pray to your large screen tv. It probably won't do any good, but at least you can watch the game. But if you're a MAN that means that you've got agency, authority, and responsibility. In short, you can act. Incidentally is also means that when your wife leaves that she left under your watch. That doesn't mean you were a crappy husband, but it does mean that you were supposed to be there at the wheel guiding things along and that you actually being down the hold counting rocks doesn't change anything. To extend the metaphor, an unfaithful wife is guilty of desertion and not mutiny. It's still your ship even if she decides to scupper the bilge and scram.

So when I say "man up" what exactly am I saying? I'm not saying that men should be more touchy-feely, sacrificial, whatever-says-goes appeasers. Although I haven't seen the movie I think that given what I've heard "Fireproof" is a pretty dumb movie. Buying your wife's love isn't being a good husband. My dad was an appeaser. Let me tell you, it often sucked. You're heard the saying "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" It should read, "If Momma ain't happy she should keep it to herself and stop blaming the kids!" While I do talk with Allen when I'm frustrated I really do try to keep in a "I"m trying to work out my emotions" vein and not a "you know you really tick me off because (insert inconsequential reason here)." That said, if I'm not talking about appeasement, what do I mean by "manning-up"? I mean that men can and should be proactive with their wives. They should be talking enough to know when she's bringing home bad attitudes from her fabulous single bar-hopping friends so that he can encourage her to spend time with other women (young moms, her aunts, a deacon's wife, his friend's wife) who can encourage her personally and as a wife. Note that I'm saying husbands have a measure of authority/responsibility over how their wives spend their time. In a similar vein he can be on the lookout to encourage efforts at womanliness - compliment her when she wears a nice skirt or when you're at a bookstore ask if there's a cookbook or home design book she's been eying that y'all could get while you're there. If she already cooks for you then appreciate it, and teach your kids to appreciate it. If all that sounds too wishy-washy for you, try this one - keep encouraging her to do things that please you. I tend to not put the lids back on things, but after a year of Allen saying "Hey, Natalie, I'd appreciate you putting lids back on things" it's actually a pretty consistent habit with me. Allen is happy there aren't lids cluttering up the counters, and I'm happy that I'm doing something of which Allen approves. Finally, this is something Allen mentioned early on in our marriage. Men should look for ways to genuinely say yes to their wives. Hear me out. This doesn't mean that men need to bend over backwards to a wife's unreasonable demands. With some men it might seem like all her demands are unreasonable, but keep looking. If from a cloud of BS you suddenly hear, "And this darn faucet has been driving me crazy 'cause half of it sprays sideways when you try to use it" then let me suggest you hie yourself to Home Depot so you can replace her faucet. What have you done? You've listened to her. You've met a legitimate need. You've provided. You've done what a good husband should do. Hopefully you've even spoken to her heart. At any rate, you aren't just standing there anymore.

And finally, can I just say that the emotions and language used by these manosphere bloggers is just over the top and often gross? Allen says to not read the comments because nothing good happens in comment threads, but I like to scan them to get a sense of the context in which a post or blog exists. Whoo boy. The manosphere isn't for the faint of heart. If someone even suggests that men have responsibility in a marriage that's broken up or that they're swaggering around with egos like a couple of big balloons taped to their puffed out chests then the finger pointing, sarcastic, patronizing "wit" that is man scorned descends on the sinners head like crude oil erupting from an old Texas geyser. And here's where my woman card probably comes the most into play. I don't get it. These guys all talk game theory and then when someone on the internet says something they don't like, instead of ignoring it with alpha male disdain, they show up en-mass and complain. And by complain I don't mean refute. I mean they toss around words like "strawman" and "feminits" and "wimmin" and "betrayal" and generally pound their chests a lot. I recently saw a great deal of this on a blogpost talking about power dynamics in relationships and ego. You'd 'a thought she posted pictures of a diminutive nature and attached their name to it. My stars! But here's the deal, "hurt feelings" is a (immature) woman's game, and men who do it pretty instantly lower their status. So they have to do a whole lot of patronizing and posturing so it doesn't look like they're complaining. "Oh, what's that? I'm not licking my wounds. This is an old injury I got the time I bagged a supermodel while wrestling a boa constrictor on a peak in the Alps. I just think it's a pity you're probably eating cold ramen alone with your eight cat." On another site I also saw several references to whether or not it'd be a good idea to deliver some verbal smack down to an opponent since it would lead all the women reading said smack down to become sexually aroused. EWWWW! Creepy old internet dude. I'm beginning to wish I'd followed Allen's advice to not read the comments. For being a bitter old man who doesn't care about women he seemed pretty intent on the reactions he could elicit from said women.

Speaking of comments (and I promise I'll close with this), I saw plenty of comments relegating women to the role of disobedient child. It seems like all us wimmin need a firm disciplining hand in order to be good woman and receive the sexual fulfillment we crave. I gotta ask - where was this "firm hand" when that wife your were excoriating three comments ago left you? I suppose you woke up and learned game and have been having a high time of it since. But how many chaste, emotionally stable women have you attracted? Oh, 0. That's what I thought. While the principles of being alpha (ie displaying assertive, confident, somewhat dominant characteristics) might be generally attractive to women, the only women who are attracted to guys who think all women are emotional unstable are...(wait for it)...emotionally unstable. Maybe that's why some of these guys are so up in arms about "emotional abuse." Although I'll agree that the definition of emotional abuse has been stretched to mean something more like "and I just wasn't very happy," if you'll read a little about hardcore game theorists a lot of what goes on is certainly manipulative and at least borderline abusive. Just because she likes the bad boys doesn't mean that jerking her around constantly is in any way, shape, or form moral or manly. Trying that sort of BS on emotionally mature, chaste women will get you exactly no where, and men who respect women will despise you. By respecting women I mean men who are willing and able to lead their wives and daughters and who understand their wive's feminine gifts as a unique complement to their own. They aren't threatened when women roll their eyes at the funny things men do because they're either too busy doing those things or rolling their own eyes at the funny things women do. High status or low, they are confident enough in their own masculine ways of thinking and doing that they aren't offended when their wives express a similar confidence and pleasure in her own ways of doing things. These are the men who can protect and love women without becoming or creating either slave or tyrant.

Ok, so what does this amount to? Stop whining. Respecting yourself doesn't mean disrespecting women. God made men to be leaders - abdicating doesn't make it the woman's fault. Yes, there are some messed up women out there. You can still keep praying and looking. I was a messed up woman once myself, but Allen hasn't had any complaints :)

Homemaking without kidmaking

Something I've mentioned in previous posts but never actually discussed at length is what it means to be domestically minded when you don't have kids. This is particularly relevant because in the preceding post I pretty explicitly said stated that married women should seriously reconsider participating in the job market. This naturally begs the question - then what? The short answer is that I'm not sure. It's easy to babble about community service and "endless opportunities" without saying anything particularly helpful or encouraging. Considering that housework is less physically arduous than in previous years and that not every woman wants to sit around knitting afghans for other people's children, wives can find themselves with a decent amount of time on their hands. I say this with the guilty knowledge that for me such time all too often gets converted into old novels and cooking shows on Hulu. Not exactly the picture of industrious housewifery - except that right this moment I actually am because of my paint spattered clothes which indicate a freshly painted pantry. But, I digress. The point is that with so many women looking outside the home (shall we say domestic sphere?) for meaningful work it can be hard to figure out what we're supposed to do after we've folded the laundry and swept under the kitchen table.

With that in mind, here's my "Good Heavens what if we don't have kids and I end up stuck in this house alone with Allen forever!?" list (so far):

1. Cook more slow food. 30 minute meals are great when you've got an hour between piano practice and Wednesday night Bible study, but in my experience good food often takes a while. While it might not take a whole lot of time all at once (pot roast for instance), it often takes a few hours of being to kneed or stir or baste once every x minutes.

2. Invite people over to eat said food. Most moms would probably like a break and plenty of bachelors (of both sexes) would almost certainly enjoy a home cooked meal eaten at a family table. And of course there's always the time honored tradition of inviting the pastor over for dinner.

3. Read something intelligent and discuss it with my husband (or friend if he's really not interested). Allen and I already have the best discussions, and I look forward to us having many more.

4. Learn a new skill - piano or photography. While this could devolve into mere personal fulfillment I think a skilled woman, by her very nature, has more to offer those around her. That could mean something as simple as being able to lead a round of Christmas carols or being the unofficial family photographer at reunions, but it could also lead to wider opportunities. For myself, I rarely get deeply enough into any particular subject to master it, but I do enjoy dabbling with new skills and hobbies.

5. Get involved with Christian education. Even if I decide that pursuing full time employment is definitely out I expect there are ways to get involved. There's volunteering obviously, but I could also look at part time work in a classical or home school coop setting. Those are situations which would give me a substantial amount of time for purely domestic pursuits while reducing my job competition with men.

6. Cultivate friendships. If you're not holding down a job and/or trying to raise three kids you really don't have many excuses for not getting out there and working on your relationships with other people. The world keeps bemoaning the lack of community, and women with time on their hands to listen, to talk, and to encourage sounds like just the ticket to fix it. (Did I mention I don't make new friends easily? Yeah, this one I really need to work on.)

7. Love other people's kids. I know that having other adults in my life I could trust or least enjoy being around made a big difference in my life. These were people who encouraged skills my parents may have overlooked or gave me confidence that their confidence in my intelligence wasn't mere parental wishful thinking. There are already three kids in my life that I love to visit, but in church with so many young ones I could afford a few more little friends. (Funny aside, I had picked up the youngest after church while talking to someone I hadn't seen in years. After a couple minutes talking with this lady the little girl's mom and I just sort of blinked at each other and had to straighten out just who Mama was. First time that's ever happened.)

8. Travel. I don't know where this fits in under good Christian housewife, but I plan to keep traveling as long as possible. Lets just say that if the Heavens and Earth are God's art gallery I like to go poking around in the different exhibits.

9. Be readier to volunteer at church. I don't just mean teaching Sunday school. There are plenty of times that the deacons will have a request, but in the past I've just been too tired/busy to do anything.

10. Get more involved in my city/state/neighborhood. I must say I have no idea how this will work. It's not something I saw my parents model pretty much at all except for their interactions with our elderly neighbors over the hill. It might mean volunteering at a community garden, getting involved with local political campaigns, or helping maintain the local trail systems. I mainly just figure you can't whine too much about everything running downhill if you aren't occasionally willing to patch a leak or two yourself.

Well I reckon that's my list. There's probably a whole lot I'm leaving off of there, so if anyone wants to make any suggestions I'm all ears. I realize that a determined mom could probably finish off my list at some point in her child raising career, but the idea I'm contemplating is that since moms are really a subset of housewives our lives (in broad strokes mind you) shouldn't really look all that different. We keep house, cook meals, serve our friends and family. Those without children just have more disposable time with which to cultivate their talents and serve those outside their immediate family. I admit there are plenty of times when I wonder whether I'm really wasting time better spent on some "larger" vision, but for every doubt I get a little throb of conviction telling me that the largest thing I ever accomplish might be to do some of those small things well.

Homemakers and the economic downturn

Reading The Thinking Housewife I've frequently come across an opinion that I've occasionally thought but rarely expressed - that even if a woman is fully skilled and qualified to work at a career or profession that it is economically beneficial for her to remain at home. With unemployment at depressingly high levels we really don't need another warm body applying for that HR/data entry/managerial position. Women say they can't afford not to work when really the uncomfortable truth is that their uncles, brothers, sons, and even their single/divorced/widowed woman friends are the ones who can't afford it. It's simple supply and demand. If there are a pool of 20 male pharmacists in a given region and 10 female pharmacists enter that pool you've just increased the number of applicants for any open position. We'll further assume at least half of them (10 men/5 women) are highly qualified. A savvy hiring manager looks at the employment statistics and surmises that he can take his pick and probably not have to pay or treat them terribly well because (as he's seen during the application process) there are plenty more highly qualified pharmacists out there looking for a job. Let's further assume that 2 of those men retire and 8 of those women get married and become housewives. You've now eliminated 1/3 of the labor pool. Supply and demand tells us that for each of the remaining 20 pharmacists the demand for their labor has increased. When demand increases an employer also has increasing incentives to offer competitive (read: higher) wages and a stable, respectful work environment. In short, employee acquisition and retainment becomes more important. Wages are higher and jobs become more secure. For women moaning about how it's so difficult to be a housewife or full time mom, that means their husbands will have more income and better job security. In short, they benefit.

Now some people are going to say this is overly simplistic, and I realize that it doesn't take into account all the different factors in a given job market. Some jobs (oil rig tech) will always be dominated by men while other jobs (elementary education) will probably retain a fair number of women, which, incidentally doesn't bother me in the least. This isn't a screed again women working outside the home. There are plenty of women employed for perfectly legitimate reasons. However, when you take into account the larger job market, it's generally true that when people remove themselves from the employment pool in large numbers the price of a given person's labor will rise. Since I believe women should be generally home focused it makes sense that married women with and without children can benefit their communities by freeing up jobs for men. Mothers will naturally have their hands full, but I believe that women without children can likewise find fruitful occupation.

That brings me to the homemaker part of this post's title. There were several places in which Laura Wood at Thinking Housewife has vigorously defended the title of housewife in general and, in some cases, specifically said she prefers "housewife" to "homemaker." The argument itself isn't important, but it made me think about why I always refer to myself as "occupation: homemaker" and never as "housewife." First, I like the idea of having a home. We've all heard people repeat folksy quips about the difference between a house and home. They're cliched, but actually they're pretty good cliques for the most part. A well decorated house isn't necessarily a home. A house in chaotic order isn't necessarily a home. The word "home" embodies a quality of warmth, safety, and generosity that doesn't necessarily follow from the blue lines on an architect's drawings. I also like the active emphasis of the term "homemaker." It reminds me that I should be actively engaged in creating something beautiful, respectable, and worthwhile. My goal is one of those essential intangibles like grace or charity that are primarily conspicuous by their absence. Far from being a brainless occupation it requires character, intelligence, generosity, diligence, grace - in sum the total of a woman's resources. It can't be done by rote as doing it well requires careful study of the people who enter your home and the wise ministering of time and resources. This all sounds terribly high and lofty as I'm writing, and even though I'm describing aspirations instead of accomplished deeds I still think I'm saying something true. What we do matters terribly. It matters to the men who are trying to provide for their families, and it matters to families. I even think it matters to couples of all ages who aren't raising children even if we've forgotten what roles those families used to fill in our communities. For all those reason I want to be a homemaker. Some days I'm a lazy homemaker, but every time I write a blog post like this or spend a day painting the living room or anything of that nature it solidifies my resolve. This stuff matters.

Of wives and kingdoms

You know how you'll be driving around town running errands and have a bunch of ideas just sort of collide in your brain? This isn't just me is it? Anyway, if this post seems more fanciful than usual just blame it on the boredom of an hour spent in traffic :)

In all the words spilled on how women are like "this" or should be like "that" I haven't read much on the subject of crowns. Specifically I'm thinking of that bit in Proverbs 12 which says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones." Of course the first question I started asking myself when that verse came to mind was "What exactly is a crown?" Besides being a generally circular and often shiny bit of headgear, it's largely a symbol. People talking about stealing crowns and overthrowing them and then restoring them don't mean (by and large) that they're going to break into HRM's wall safe. Instead they mean they're working to arrange a transfer of royal power either to themselves or some other person. Therefore a crown signifies authority, dominion, and legitimacy. When the guy with the crown shows up people tend to say "Yes, sir" a lot. This tells me that when we as wives are doing our jobs well our husbands will accrue respect and authority. Consider this - there's a whole group of people out there (mostly men and sociologist) who've decided that women really like high status men and that they'd rather compete for partial attention from a high status male (read: sleep around) than settle for a lower status man. I think there's a fair bit of truth to that (Hello, New York women/Hello, fundy Mormons), but here's something I just thought. Why aren't any of these women considering how they can increase their man's status? I'm not saying you should go around trying to reform smucks, but just think about for a second. These women are all upset that there aren't enough high status men to go around when it would seem that at least part of the solution is in their own hands. Be the right kind of woman! I don't think that would solve everything, but it sure couldn't hurt. According to Proverbs, the opposite of a crown is essentially osteoporosis, and that sure ain't cool. You can't go around physically tearing men down and then have rational grounds for complaining about the lack of decent men.

What kind of behavior might be considered "excellent" or crown-worthy? The Old and New Testaments are full of examples and exhortations for wives, but I'd say that a short list should include activities that increase your husband's reputation, dominion, and authority. In my world this means resolving to speak well of Allen at every opportunity, helping him serve and love his friends, and making space for him to pursue projects outside work. This is on top of generally trying to be a helpful, non-crazy person - which is harder than it has to be some days :P Also, just for clarity's sake, this doesn't mean that I can't/don't talk to anyone about the vagaries of husbandly behavior. I have a short list (ie under five names) of people that Allen and I both know and trust and to whom I will go if there's something bothering me. For everyone else - it's called need to know, and you don't. This applies double for prayer requests. How would you feel if your husband's accountability group was praying over your inability to discipline the kids or keep your temper with his mom? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Part of what kicked off this whole blog post, though, was the idea the crowns come in all shapes and sizes. You've got your super-shiny-monarch-of-Great-Britain crown, there's your basic prince-in-exile tarnished crown, elfin circlets - just think about all the different stories you've read or seen in movies and how the different crowns look and the stories they help tell. Some women are definitely old gold and rubies material. They're gracious, capable, beautiful woman, and it's easy to see how they adorn their husband's lives. Other women seem a little more dinged up on the surface, but underneath they're pure gold and testify to years of hard work and dedication. That's how it is. A farmer might not have much use for a Sunday to go meeting crown, and a lawyer might need something a little less wash and wear. The woman who adorns her big town banker husband's life would be pretty blingy and useless as the wife of a small town hardware store owner. Same basic job description with hundreds of different ways to fulfill it. That's why I get frustrated with overly specific how to manuals for wives - it's one thing to be a faithful and chaste wife and another thing to know when your husband needs you to speak up and when to keep quiet. Our lives, our marriage, and our gifts all look different. This sounds a little sappy, but it needs to be said. It doesn't matter who you are, when you're being a faithful wife you're a beautiful and glorious woman whose life bespeaks and confers honor and dignity.